I watch some videos sometimes, that give me a lot of perspectives. Lately, I have been watching interviews with seniors who are in their eighties. The interviewer asks some pointed questions about life, to gain insights from those who can look back, and wish they had done things differently.
One of the common things I have heard in these interviews, particularly for women, is that they wished they had been bolder. Society expected women to talk less, clean the house, and take care of their husbands, children, extended family, and pets. I mean, the pressure on women to “be all things” hasn’t changed much.
But what struck me, were the regrets. Things like “I wish I hadn’t put a governor on my personality” came up quite a lot. Women acted the way they were told to. They did not pursue their interests, explore their talents, or prioritize emotional and physical self-care.
How tragic is it to sit there, in the last stage of life on this planet, and feel like you were never permitted to be yourself? Or love yourself with the same ferocity and care that you have loved everyone else?
I could relate to this. I spent over thirty years doing exactly that same thing. Until now. I have to admit I am feeling pretty excited too. I’ve seen what happens when I put my energy and focus into other people. Now that I am investing in myself, what amazing changes are possible?
Here for a Good Time (Not a Long Time)
The age of fifty hit me like an emotional hammer this year. I have many friends much older than I am, who were like “You’re still a kid.” Technically if I wanted to have a midlife crisis, I should have done it at thirty-eight. But I was too busy building a successful six-figure freelance business, to have an existential crisis.
Fifty did not make me curl up in a ball and cry on my bed. What it did is make me realize, that I was half a century old. And given the adversities I experienced in my life, much of that time has felt more like survive, rather than thrive mode. Both financially, and emotionally.
I was diagnosed with diabetes at age thirty-three. I have rarely been what you would call a good diabetic and glucose control, well, they don’t call it the “Silent Killer” for nothing. I took my pills and ate my Froot Loops, kept myself in a state of chronic stress and anxiety (circumstantially), and hoped for the best, as I navigated some difficult challenges, not of my own making.
On my birthday, I saw this TikTok that upset my emotional apple cart, but in a really good way. The woman said “I am fifty. When am I going to make myself a priority?” I cried. Out of the blue, tears rolled down my cheek, because that truism hit me right to my core.
In this life, nothing is given. We all expect to live to our 80s but life can change at the drop of a hat. I thought I would be growing old with family members that cancer stole from us. My Aunt is a painful absence I feel daily. I miss her so much. She was one of those women who sacrificed everything for everyone else but did little for herself.
No More Excuses About My Health
The first and most important shift has been self-care centered around my health. Diabetic neuropathy isn’t bad (yet) but it is a daily reminder that for all the superpowers I think I have, and however much I would like to deny I have a serious chronic disease, I do.
It’s not that I ever meant to neglect my health. I’ve never been a heavy or habitual drinker (always dust on my wine rack), and for two five-year periods, I smoked cigarettes and then stopped. I still vape, and I am trying to figure out how to nix that too. Nicotine is a bitch.
Hemp-derived federally legalized cannabinoids are my jam when the pain or anxiety becomes too much. After I write my citizenship next year, I will be getting a medical cannabis card. Cannabinoids can help improve my health dramatically, with chronic stress, insomnia, and pain.
Neuropathy feels like numbness, and sometimes, it feels like ants swarming over your feet. It is the worst at night, and often I have to sit up in bed, try not to disturb Brent, or stir my two dogs, and massage my feet and legs. Then it usually improves, and I can fall back asleep.
That is the first calling card of reality regarding Diabetes. I hate that it has taken me this long to get my shit together. But with self-empathy, I’ve been through a lot. The storms that hit me in my thirties and forties took everything I had to keep going. There were many times I laid in bed, feeling defeated, and not sure that I wanted to try to “win” anymore.
But there is something in me that screams “GET UP!” after life’s knock-out punches. I don’t ask for help. I don’t lean on anyone for support (except the most amazing best friend in the history of the Universe). I do it myself.
But because of the focus, hard work, and tenacity to get through those difficult things, my health fell low on the priority list. I took my pills and vitamins. I exercised with my dogs. But as far as eating the diet I was supposed to be eating? Nope. They call it “Diabetic Amnesia” or the ability to willfully try to forget that you have diabetes.
It’s hard to do all the right things for my health. But the alternatives are life-threatening. And so, finally, now, I am committed to taking great care of myself. Without resentment for all the high-fat, carbohydrate-dense, junk food things I will no longer be eating. Because I will know I am doing everything I can to avoid the bad things that happen when you don’t take care of your health. And that is already making me feel stronger and happier inside.
Lifestyle Changes Don’t Need to Wait for the New Year
You hear it a lot this time of year. As a healthcare executive, I’ve created content to the effect of “New Year, New You” for over two decades now. And while it may sound jaded, it is nonetheless true. If you have to wait until January 1st to make a lifestyle shift, so you can pigout, gain weight, and damage your liver and kidneys, all for the sake of the holiday season? Those self-care goals aren’t tangible.
We had the discussion, and it was Brent that snapped me to actualities. If it is for our health, we start now and stop making excuses. We did a different kind of grocery shop together. I prepared a big bin of mixed lettuce with extra baby spinach. He grilled some chicken breasts. I put some healthy noshes in the fridge, that are low carb. Cheese, radishes, and some grapes because… I can’t live without grapes.
High fiber, low carb, and after a conversation with Diane, I am excited to finally try so many of the recipes she has for keto. We can’t do keto. I just can’t… 25 carbs per day and I will lose my will to live. But the diabetic range of 60 carbs per meal and 2 x 15 carb snacks is definitely doable. There is no pondering; it’s just what I do now, to take care of myself.
The side effects for me will be losing weight. Ideally, fifty pounds by the end of 2024. We are working out at least three times per week, and doing a three-mile walk around a beautiful lake every Saturday morning. You can’t outrun your fork; with responsible eating and exercise, I cannot wait to see what I look like at 140lbs. And if I keep working out, maybe I won’t look like a wrinkled mess of extra skin.
My body is malleable. I can change it however I want to, if I focus on it relentlessly. Now that the divorce is done, all this energy is coming back to me. It’s sad when you think of how much time and energy I wasted. But now, that energy is for me, and I am investing it, in me. I have learned, that my mindset is also incredibly malleable. I’ve changed the channel, and it feels good.
A Healthy Social Life
When I moved to Austin, I felt like a liberated soul who had been emotionally incarcerated. Not all years of my marriage were bad, but circa 2017 until I left in May 2021 was a flurry of unfathomable bad shit. Fixing things I didn’t mess up. Trying to “save him” from himself. Anyhow, if you want the dirt there are previous blogs you can get the working list from. I’m not dwelling on the past anymore. My energy is needed elsewhere.
For the first six months, I insulated myself. I talked to my sister, my Mom, and Diane. I had accidentally rented in what may be the roughest crime neighborhood in Austin. We drove through there not that long ago, and I got goosebumps. I didn’t know I’d have to study up on my gang colors. Fun.
It took me MONTHS to start getting out. Now I look back at 2021 as going through an emotional shock. Okay, judge me if you want, but this is the truth; I lived three months on extra crispy KFC buckets and coleslaw. And walks to the apartment complex dog park. I was paralyzed by what I had been through, diagnosed with PTSD, and decided … I would fix myself.
Avoiding Toxic People With Ninja-Like Stealth
I decided that for however long I was going to live in Austin (until I moved back to Canada) I would enjoy it. When I came out of the trauma fog, I joined a Facebook group. The memes made me laugh, and so did the comment on social engagement. The gossip, malicious behaviors, backstabbing, and frankly, drama, were a little shocking to me.
Diving in, as my open self, and eager to find people to hang out with (extrovert was in severe withdrawal) I learned some hard and fast lessons about social beings again. One thing I find entertaining about Texas is that people can treat you like absolute garbage, and then make you the villain if you block/delete/avoid them.
That’s okay though. It upset me for the longest time. Oh, the narratives about that horrible Canadian lady that is a leader (not a follower), a direct, honest, and blunt woman (liars and gossips hate that shit… it messes with their narratives). She’s an EXTROVERT TOO?!? Damn…
I am the girl that says “Nope!” and some people, quite frankly, can’t handle that. The game playing with the first crowd of people I bumped into in this area was epic. Passive aggression, gossip, lies, et al. Not for me to fix. But I’ve done a great job of removing fake, shallow, toxic, dishonest, and malicious people from my periphery.
Man did it stress me out for a long time. But I have done some reading, thinking, and writing privately about it. I find people who make me feel I belong. That beautiful flowing conversation, and easy laughter. The warm-hearted vibe you just FEEL! I like people who have been through Hell and kept walking because I relate. Inherently toxic people are not welcome in my world.
There is no room in my microcosm for haters, malicious hearts, gossip, disloyal people, envious people, liars, or any of the other off-color types. When I encounter them, I unsubscribe and block them. Life is too short to be stressed by people you don’t give two shits about.
I am not capable of changing myself, my behavior, or my personality, to “fit in”. I fit in naturally where I BELONG, and among the people who have common ground, goals, and mindsets. As for being fake? Sorry, shallow and insincere are not part of my DNA. Neither is willful malice. I am too big-hearted for that shit. And I will continue to be “picky AF” about who I spend time around.
Turning Up the Volume
Aside from missing my family and friends in Canada, I have never been happier. The job, the career, the relationship… the new car (zoom!). The puppies, the lifestyle changes, and the mindset of letting stuff go. I’ve been doing the work, the healing, the writing, the stretching of abilities.
Before I find myself full of regrets about what I didn’t do for myself, and time runs out, I am going to LIVE MY LIFE LOUD! I am not about to tip-toe through life anymore, trying to “fit in” and suppressing my energy, my creativity, my ambition, or my adventurous personality for the comfort of others.
I feel… powerful like the next chapters are going to be amazing. I’m working on my horror novel/screenplay again. I have a connection with Netflix, who keeps bugging me… WRITE IT! Naturally, he wants to pitch it for me.
Cool. Let’s do this shit! I have (another) house to buy, lol!
I have a lot to be thankful for in my life, so many blessings, and I am grateful to God for seeing me through some very hard things. But those hard things are over now. I don’t need to recycle or dwell on them when I am writing what may be the happiest chapter of my entire life.
It’s my time, to authentically shine, from within. Not pretend to be happy, because that is what is expected of women. I am happy, and working on being happier and healthier. Imma do me the right way, going forward.
