Let’s start with the preface that I don’t have a social life right now. Offline. Throughout the world I am really blessed with great friends and family. I use Facebook like an umbilical chord that connects us on a daily basis. I am the girl that moved away from home to the United States. I don’t want them to forget about me, because I love them.
I used to have a Facebook page of 1700+ people when I was single in my thirties. Guess why? Flatteringly, many of them were men. Both Canadian and American. That probably had a lot to do with my single girl blog at the time. And um, maybe the erotic spoken word and machinima filmed in Second Life.
Get your mind out of the gutter. I was not shooting pornography. In fact, my machinima skills are on fleek now, compared to back in 2008-2010. I took video editing. I learned schtuff. And I am about to start doing more machinima soon of my poetry. But in a cool avatar-esque and classy way, on YouTube.
So, there are people who love me and who I also love fiercely. I just can’t drive to their house. Video calls sometimes help me feel less disconnected. The problem is, I need human contact. A woman or two to hang out with, who enjoys the same kind of things I do. And of course, the one in a million chance I find a male who thinks I am cool.
Building a Social Life Takes Worth: The Investment and Payoff
People! I want people. But just not any sort of people. I have this list of interests and attributes I know make me happy. For instance, brains. I like brains. Not the zombie kind of “mmm brains” but close. Because when I am around smart people I don’t have to correct grammar. I’m a jerk like that. Writers often are.
But it is more than that. The event out made me realize so many things. I need to be around a specific category of people. So, in the dog park this afternoon I made a list on my phone. If I am building a local tribe, what are the characteristics that I am aiming for?
Positive Attributes I Find Attractive in Friends
- Smart
- Science fiction fans
- Horror movie fans
- Movie fans in general
- Sarcastic
- Confident
- Kind
- Loyal
- Outgoing
- Social
- Funny and fun
- Responsible (financially and emotionally)
- Engaging
- Critical thinking
- People who have traveled
- Good vocabulary
- Technophiles
Negative Attributes That Guarantee I Won’t Want to Be Friends With You
- Arrogant
- Racist or homophobic or xenophobic (or any of the hate-people phobics)
- Exploitative
- Dishonest
- Cruel, callous or mean to others
- $hit talking their ex (hey, if I can discipline myself so can you… it’s droll and awkward AF)
- Pretentious
- Bellittling
- Tech dumb-dumbs (tech turns me on… #sorrynotsorry)
- Dumb-dumbs in general (we won’t be able to banter and that would suck)
- Kardashian worshippers (please God… no)
- Skinny or fit people who talk about their need to lose weight (go eat a cheeseburger, for reals)
- People who put plastic in their face (dude, we all get old that’s why personality matters!)
- Extremely promiscuous people (if you visit my house, I’ll want to sanitize the toilet seat)
Those are long lists, aren’t they? Well $!@#%… dear reader, we are starting to see the problem. But I know myself. Really really well. I mean, it is also for the person’s own protection. I have a filter except when someone is being disproportionately a jerk. And then, oops! #Uncensored. Verbal katana.
Laying Out a Strategy and Game Plan to Make New Friends
So that you know, I am not stalking people. I am not laying out some maniacal master plan to manipulate anyone. I am trying to manipulate myself. And when I need to get something done I make a list. That’s how my brain works. And when the list happens, the goal happens. Yeah, I know, #nerd.
I came up with seven essential steps to rebuild a social life from scratch. Not only to find people to hang out with. To find the BEST people to know, and spend time with. Where the benefits of friendship are mutually rewarding. I’m not unfortunate looking. I am high energy and can exhaust some people but, I can be really fun too. Especially after two glasses of wine. I digress.
Seven steps that I will put into action over the holiday season, to make my 2022 socially rewarding and fulfilling. And meet those few good people to have new adventures with. I’ve decided I am staying in Texas. So, it’s time for me to start building an emotional root system. And stop complaining about drought and droopy leaves, when I haven’t done the work to plant myself.
1. Get In Some Local Singles Groups
Okay, I have to admit I hesitated. Because I thought, I get harrassed enough on dating apps, right? WTF would I want to get the same cat and mouse treatment on Facebook. Because I actually love Facebook, and I am in there working or socializing day in and day out.
But I was surprised to see that a lot has changed. Moderators are ‘on it’. The memes are hilarious. The topics of men are from mars, et al is funny. Hearing the perspectives of both genders is educational for me. Also, I realize I am not alone in my misunderstanding of the male species and their confusing (at times) behaviors.
2. Get Into Interest Related Facebook Groups
Dating isn’t my only objective. Sure, if I met someone amazing who took it slow (erm… was able to guide me to take it slow because I realize I can move faster than the speed of light when I am interested) that would be awesome. But companionship is more than dating. It’s friendship. So I joined some writers groups on Facebook. Angsty poet types? Heck yeah! Creative tsunami’s? THIS IS THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE!
Art? Sure, but not the snobby kind of art. I like local art sales that support starving artists. Because I am a thrift store hunter of canvas and art and building a gallery in my stairwell. No one has to know there is nothing hanging there that was more than $20. It is cool looking. That’s all I care about. I enjoy the flavor of it.
Cooking? Maybe! Spanish classes? Oooh… would come in handy when the single Spanish men in the complex cat call “AYE MAMI!” from the balcony on Friday nights when they are wasted. No bueno. I told them I was gay. Since they see no male presence around me, I think the defensive white lie is working. Also I keep my hair up in a top knot when I have to go outside. Hair down? “Woo woo mamacita!” Seriously dudes, piss off. And take your Corona’s with you.
3. Talk to More Women on Facebook and MeetUp
I’m female friendly! Ish… I mean, if she’s smart and confident, you betchya we’ll get along. If she is an insecure princess with nails so long I wonder how she wipes her backside? Probably not. How do they…? Never mind. I always think they must be kept women because who the heck can type with 2 inch long plastic nails on. Not moi.
4. Try New Dog Parks
Okay, what better place for me to meet other dog-crazy kinda kind hearted, tree hugging, animal loving folks than a dog park? East Austin dog parks are kinda like walking 8-Mile. So um… no. I did have an interesting conversation with a homeless guy though. I gave him my unopened bottle of water and a cigarette. Back when I smoked. Yep, I quit. My Aunt told me to. I listened.
5. Buy Cuter Clothes
Okay so, can we talk about the impact of the pandemic on wardrobe choices? I have worked from home but for a period of one year, consistently since 2013. So, while the world was adapting, I was already a pro at it. But that also means that between being married, and working from home, I developed a yoga pant and flip-flop addiction.
I still have blouses. Zoom calls are cleverly participated in many times with a lovely blouse, hair and makeup on point. But below the desk line? Daisy Dukes. Well, chubby girl jean cut offs (I don’t have the bod to pull a real Daisy Duke). And flip flops. Mostly sport flip flops. I do NOT wear Crocs. Be angry but seriously…Crocs couldn’t be sexy if they tried. I consider Crocs tantamount to driving a minivan. I’m not willing to let myself go (yet) down that path.
Don’t be grossed out but I scored a great pair of vintages Levi’s 501s with the button fly. I know, no one knows what a button fly is. But I used to work for Levi’s in college and I dunno. The men’s button fly jeans fit me so well. A little down on the hip with a short rise so my butt doesn’t look too big. Or bigger than it is. I don’t think I have a big butt? Brb… running to the mirror to assess.
6. Respond When People Strike Up Conversations In Person
Okay, I’ll be honest. HEB is a total pickup joint. If you hang around the meat section? Or near avocadoes? Or even in the BBQ sauce aisle, you are going to see men. And men, and men and men. And if you are looking cute, chances are one will say hello.
To which I usually ignore them. I actually wear ear buds for this reason. One time I pretended I didn’t speak english. True story. I just kept repeating “que?… que?…” and the white dude walked away frustrated. He was cute, and young, and had those muscle things. I am not Mrs. Robinson. Go coo-coo-ca-choo someone else kid. I want a partner with no training wheels.
7. Be Kinder to Myself
Hey workaholic lonely girl. GET BALANCED DARN IT! Stop putting in ridiculous hours. They are starting to get used to you taking weekends off now. TAKE THEM. Do NOT let your anxiety put you into overdrive. You deserve (and need) time off. Even if it is just walking around the fancer Mueller’s Farmer’s market and having conversations about permaculture and weird red lettuce (I should have taken a picture… it was an art form).
Sleep. Get away from the computer. Put your phone down. Cuddle with your dogs. Paint something without caring how crappy it looks. You can’t be good at everything. And that is kinda not the point of painting anyhow. It is expression. Eat healthy. And… gold star on the walking chicky! Averaging five miles a day is suh-weet. On the right track. Keep truckin’.
You’re on the right track Skylar. Address the deficets like you do. Tackle them. Don’t wallow in them. And maybe, when you are a happier and more socially balanced person, some great guy will take notice. Probably not. But it happens to other people.
I’ll keep the door open to the possibility of being enough of a girl that some guy help himself. And will want to be on that couch with me. Watching Babylon 5 from Season 1. Or all 10 editor’s edition of Alien’s. Because that’s hot.
