It’s interesting how the term narcissist has been in the annals of psychology forever. And now, suddenly it’s mainstream with everyone thinking that every negative relationship they have equates to surviving a narcissist.
Sorry, they are not all narcissists. As much as you would like to label them with an evil monikr which I am absolutely sure they deserve. Bad people do damage to very loving good people. Wouldn’t it be nice if they just stuck to their own? Malicious, dishonest, manipulative partners that they would, when you think about it, utterly deserve?
I’ve made some bad choices about where I spent my affection in life. More a die-hard romantic than gullible to be sure. And pig-headed stubborn and disciplined in more ways than people may think. You see, someone doesn’t have to have a perfect life for me to love them.
I love who I love (damn my heart sometimes). But I also believe that the “bad guy” or the “hard on his luck” guy or the “walking wounded” also needs love. And I will admit, I am attracted romantically to men who have a little darkness in them. WAS attracted to them. I am no longer that way inclined.
And as the girl that always stopped to scoop worms out of puddles in the rain, and take on the responsibility of rescuing pretty much anything that looked like it needed help, I extended that intention to some very bad humans, who frankly, did not remotely deserve shit.
Bad Boyfriend / Girlfriend Versus Real Narcissist
I’ve had some amazing relationships in my fifty years on this planet. Every one of them taught me something valuable about life, but mostly about myself. Bad relationships happen to everyone, and yes, they hurt so much, and take great work to move on from. But they actually taught me the most about who I am, what I value, and the important act of self-preservation.
But narcissists are demonic in terms of character, psychological warfare, gaslighting, and so much more. And I, unfortunately, have experienced three of them. I looked up the criteria and researched it, and they ticked ALL the boxes.
When you are healing, and bleeding from the emotional and spiritual apertures, you tell the story over and over again. It is a trauma behavior. You repeat what happened, not because you need sympathy, but because your brain and body are trying to understand the emotional “hit and linger” that narcissists are SO GOOD AT! Seriously, they hang on like leeches. Until you pour salt on the mother fuckers.
I know what happened. Those that love and truly know me, also know what happened (in minutia). But now on the other side, I can look at these losers clinically (with mostly detachment, if not still a lingering sense of self-blame… like, why wasn’t I smarter?) and see patterns. Scripts if you will.
And I have also learned how to stop them in their tracks.
Stop Blaming Yourself: They Are Serial Assailants
Start with “stop blaming yourself” because as much as we all like to believe we are smart enough to avoid bad people? We aren’t. Good people, and more importantly, strong, stubborn, and resourceful people who need and want love, are the favorite flavor of a narcissist.
That makes you a good person. That also makes them rotten to the core. You must stop thinking that it’s your fault, or that it is not working or toxic because of you. If you are in a relationship with a real narcissist, that is going to be pretty tough, because they WANT YOU to think it’s your fault. That gaslighting is pretty powerful shit.
Fighting to break away and end a relationship with a narcissist is a really hard thing. Start loving yourself, and putting the blame where it belongs. You can’t fight yourself internally, and fight them at the same time. And you’ll need to love yourself to get through it, and back to your normal life.
How to Positively Nuke a Narcissist
After three emotional exorcisms, I think I know a thing or two about dealing with narcissists. But I am more than a little upset with myself that it took me more than one to figure it out. I wish I had learned better lessons from my Father. That would have prepared me to reject the other two that I would get entangled with years later.
But my skill at getting away from them and moving on DID get better. It wasn’t less painful, but it was more efficient. And the time it took me to realize what was going on didn’t become shorter. Because I am one of those people that is loyal to someone I love; I saw it, I knew it, I hoped they would change.
They didn’t. So I had to.
One time a nice psychotic and possibly married man I encountered, told me something of value. He said, one day, the hell you go through will be the roadmap for others to survive.
So here is my roadmap ladies and gentlemen, for dealing effectively with a narcissist. And hopefully, it will help you get out sooner than I did, with each of the three demons I learned from.
1. Hear the Scripts and Observe How They Use Them
You know when someone is banging on your emotional barriers and upsetting you, and it seems like you have heard it all before? You have. And you are going to be just as shocked as I was, the moment you start recognizing them.
They are scripts. Try to think of them as theatrical scripts, that a narcissist will use over and over on you. Because they know those scripts work. Longer for some, than for others.
I started memorizing them. And, because I am a writer and creative type, I began formulating a directory of things I could say that were equally honest and pointed. See, for the bravado that most narcissists have, they are actually weak and insecure. Hit them with a retort that they are not expecting, and you’ll see a flash of their vulnerability. It felt like an epiphany for me.
Buck up, because they have an incredibly short recovery time. But interestingly, the more you stand by your boundaries and self-love, the less those daggers go in. Until one day, when you feel nothing for them anymore but an eagerness for freedom, the knives bounce right off your self-love. Like a shield.
2. Reject Negative Commentary About Yourself
Those who seek to control you will try to diminish your value. Your own sense of value, and how other people perceive your value. This is really hard because Narcissists are such complete aces as spin doctoring and lying, creating narratives, and twisting shit around to make YOU look like the bad guy, and make THEM look like the victim.
Several studies say that Narcissism is a mild form of psychopathy. I agree. Because they will literally wear you down, demoralize you, and push you to the edge of breaking. And when you snap? They make sure there’s an audience… so they look like the victim.
So think of a narcissist as a political rival. They are going to talk badly about you because that is how they have learned to exercise control. If YOU feel bad about yourself, you are likely to stay with them and put up with their bullshit, right? That’s why good people stay in relationships with them, even when they are desperately unhappy and emotionally abused.
They know it works. So shut it down. Don’t argue with them. Go silent when it starts happening. Remove yourself from the conversation quietly. That’s how you protect yourself, and also how you win. I found new power in the word “Okay”.
I knew I was well on my way to ending my toxic marriage, when I simply said “Okay” and turned around, and went to my room. And that infuriated him more I think, because he didn’t know what to do when I truly stopped giving a shit. But mostly because he knew, he had lost power over me, and it was only a matter of time before I was gone.
But what he said about me? Can linger in the ears of anyone who believes him. Most do not, because they know him. And have seen those telltale patterns repeat. But the people who love you were walking through all of it with you. They know the truth, as you do. And that’s all that matters.
You have nothing to defend. I read an interesting study that said true narcissists move around if they are able. They can’t stay put long enough to let everyone profile them for the psychotics they are. They have to keep fresh new people around them, constantly rotating because eventually, the mask slips. And people see who that person is. Or doesn’t. Not your circus anymore. And someone else’s problem.
3. Stop Providing the Things They Want Most
With this fellow, I was his veritable ATM machine. My Aunt once said that “if your wallet comes out when you are with a man, you are with the wrong man”. I took a more pragmatic approach to my first marriage and dating in general; I will pay my way.
What are the things that a narcissist really wants?
- Control.
- Financial benefits.
- Sex.
- To protect their facade, or the public persona they have cultivated.
- To appear always as the victim, and innocent party.
- To negate your sense of self-worth.
- To play games (hot and cold) with their affection.
Once you start advocating for yourself (which is usually the beginning of the end of a relationship with a narcissist) that is when you will see a Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde personality flip. When a narcissist starts to lose control, they try hard to gaslight you. Everything is your fault in the toxic relationship. You are lucky to have them after all.
It’s when you start to SEE that reaction, that you begin to open your eyes, and see what is behind the mask. Or as I like to say, the spell is broken slowly. You hear the manipulations and the scenarios replay like a rerun, and you see behavioral patterns.
Then you start saying no. And find your boundaries again. Boy, when those boundaries reemerge and are applied to your narcissistic partner, they lose their shit. Because they slowly begin losing control. It is, as you can imagine, very traumatic for the narcissist to wake up one morning and find that all their weapons of emotional abuse don’t work anymore.
I rented an Airbnb in Oklahoma City for Valentine’s Day. But I decided to use it for a girl’s weekend instead. 🙂 That weekend I made sure our house was a peaceful place for the kids, by getting out of Dodge. A weekend alone with their Dad, and some space.
That weekend he chose to have two women sleep in my bed. While the children were in the next room. Classy right? That is classic retribution. I couldn’t care less, but this was the person I was always married to. What had changed? I had. And finally realized that he had no power over me.
Not only that, but I saw everything other people tried to warn me about before I married him. I felt stupid that I didn’t see it before, but that’s what love can do sometimes, to distort your vision. Forgive yourself because they are emotional con artists.
Take a moment to absorb their reaction, when you start breaking free of the bullshit manipulation. Those facial expressions are priceless. And eventually, those moments where you picked yourself, over them, will be a reason to love yourself even more. You badass.
Remember too, that their anger? That’s really fear. Nothing is scarier than pulling the life support from a manipulator, who got used to getting everything they wanted from you. Those moments make me smile now. And recalling the look on his face when I started using the precious word… “No.”
4. Leave On Your Own Terms
Another trick a narcissist will try to pull is to disrupt your life when the relationship is ending. I have a friend who dealt with the extreme aspect of these, where he really did cause so much trouble, and she is still repairing that financial damage. Brutal.
Also, we hope he gets psoriasis of the penis. He would deserve it absolutely. Utter and complete evil POS. He never deserved her. He texted one of her daughter’s friends a few weeks ago, stating how much he missed them all. This is a year after the breakup.
That is how tenacious these psychos can be. Especially when they are lonely, and cannot replace the good person they had with anyone who will stick around for their bullshit. She’s putting shit back together and firm on one thing; he gets no access to her. Ever. Again.
Leave on your own terms. Plan your departure. Save your money. Figure out where you are going to live. Do this with the skill of a criminal because if they find out, you can expect a lot of resistance. And depending on how exhausted you are from the abuse and games, you may fold. And find yourself staying much longer than you wanted to.
I had a Google spreadsheet with dates and notes. And executed it with precision. That transition was smoother than it might have been, if I had let him dictate the end on his terms, instead of my needs and planning. Or allow him to disrupt me, as I moved ahead to extricate him from my life. Permanently.
5. Disconnect the Energy and Toxic Umbilical
I block them on social, and on email. I block them on my phone, I mean hell, I have even blocked an ex on Xbox. I feel that should unlock a badge or something. *shrug*
The more points of contact you allow, the more stress you open yourself up to. If you have gone your separate ways and did not part as friends, cut all the cords. You don’t need to see or hear stuff they may say in anger, or be baited or hurt that way. They do not need access to your new life, so they can critique, gossip about you, or use what you do as supporting evidence in their fictional narratives to make themselves look like a victim.
Don’t fight; cut them out like cancer, for your own peace, and to stay focused on your new chapter. Nothing irritates them more than having NO access to your life or information about you. And spread the word to any shared friends too. No updates. No crossing the streams conversationally, because inevitably it gives the narcissist more ammo.
Disciplining Yourself In The Post-Breakup
When you are hurt or have been taken advantage of, there comes a time when you get angry. Like, really angry. Mostly you feel anger against your former partner, but some of that anger is also directed at yourself. I mean, why didn’t you know better? Why didn’t you pay attention to the apparent red flags? Why didn’t you protect yourself?
Those are painful questions. Self-accountability is a bitch, when you realize that of course, you had a part in the pain you experienced. Because you allowed it. But this is where you have to pause and try to find your self-compassion.
What does self-compassion look like? I know, because it took me forever to get to that place. And more podcasts and audiobooks than I can list. But when you hear the voice of that inner critic about your romantic choices? Argue it, with phrases like this:
- I am a good person.
- I did not know they would treat me that way.
- I cannot control how other people treat me. (This is a big one in my world).
- I did the right thing to remove that person from my life and protect myself.
- It doesn’t matter what his/her friends say about me. Adults mind their business. Toxic people don’t.
All the things your Mom or Grandmother would say to you are probably correct. Life is short. We don’t know how much time we are given on this planet. What matters in this hard, difficult, beautiful, adventurous struggle called life, is you, and the people you care about.
We don’t lament the garbage taken to the curb. We also should not beat ourselves up, as humans, for bad relationships, or bad breakups. As far as I am concerned, if you initiated a breakup of a relationship (or marriage) to preserve your mental health, happiness, and safety? You’re a warrior.
