I don’t even know where to begin. But I have something profound to share, about having your heart broken. About having a series of relationships where you were not seen, understood, or truly loved. And thinking somehow, that those relationships were the best you could hope for in this life.
We see how love is supposed to play out in movies, or on TV. Someone comes into your life unexpectedly. A miracle of happenstance, or being in the right place at the right time. Having the life experience that allows you to finally understand what you really want, and need from a partner.
I just spent the entire day with my special someone. And I can’t sleep. Not for bad reasons, but in the afterglow of the warmth, affection, laughter, and companionship that he provides me. Laying together embraced and stretched out on my kingsized bed, my heart spoke some truths to him.
Me: “I don’t think I have ever felt chemistry like this before”.
Him: “Same. I’ve never felt like this either”.
There was so much more I wanted to tell him. But I let those words go all the way in. Because last Sunday, I spoke the words that I didn’t think I would ever be capable of saying. Sunday morning, as we talked, he asked me a simple question that knocked the wind out of me emotionally.
Him: “Do you love me?”
Me: “Why … Oh God, why are you asking me this… I mean, do the words matter, like, do we have to say them?”
[Insert complete emotional meltdown because I already knew the answer. But I was afraid.]
Me: “Well, what about you? Do you love me?”
Him: “I do. I love you, Lori”.
And I started sobbing. Not the ugly Kim Kardashian kind of harpy-esque wailing. Nope. I felt a wash of tenderness, warmth, and sincerity at that moment. And I knew he already knew the answer (or he wouldn’t have asked the question you see). Because he’s very smart like that.
Me: “OF COURSE I LOVE YOU!” [Insert more sobbing] “I love you so much. We were… just supposed to be friends you know. I never went after you. I never put the pieces together until that night when we met face to face for the first time… and all the puzzle pieces came together at once like they were f*cking magnetized and supposed to go together. And then, I didn’t know how to tell you..”
You can hear someone smiling on the phone you know. If you listen closely. And when I said the words, I heard a soft sigh on the other end. A manly sigh and stuff. But I knew my words went all the way in too.
Evaluating Infatuation Versus Love
I’ve been prone to infatuation in the past. Shocking for a poet and writer, eh? This is where I would normally point the finger at my parents’ unhappy marriage. Did I know what real love was? Nope. No clue. Sometimes I caught glimpses of what I thought was love in other relationships. I saw the nice things and hoped I would enjoy a relationship like that someday too.
In the absence of knowing what real love was, and wanting it so desperately, you can convince yourself that anything is love. I was guilty of that throughout my life. I held on to relationships that weren’t the “real deal” not because I feared being alone. I’m okay being single for periods of time and very self-sufficient. But because my own nuclear family was so fractured, I was determined to find love (and keep it).
I am what you would call a serial monogamist. Or in trucking terminology, I am a “long hauler”. I am not promiscuous. I don’t really believe in casual sex (someone always gets hurt). According to the STI test results I received on Friday, I’ve been what you would call a “very good girl”. At least, I was smart enough to protect my sexual health.
Infatuation is one type of love, according to Greek philosophers. It is the “see, want, get” motive. But infatuation goes below the surface too, in an unhealthy way. Because you want that person so badly, you are willing to overlook incompatibility. Seriously, incompatibility can be screaming directly into your face, and you will still have those comical cartoon hearts beating in your eyes for the person. Because you are lying to yourself, thinking that a crush or carnal attraction is love.
It is not.
Infatuation is also about possession or having what you want. It is a compulsion and drive to create something wonderful with someone you are SURE is a perfect fit. And if they aren’t the perfect fit? Well, cue the inner narrative that tells you to forgive, and frankly ignore red flags. How can you see faults in someone you SO CLEARLY LOVE? Now approaching the age of 49 trips around the sun, I’ve got to tell you, I am the poster child for this historically.
My last marriage broke me. Emotionally, spiritually and financially. I felt tired of being the veritable phoenix, thinking “Oh yay! I get to start over. Again.” 🙁
Sometimes you get so used to survival mode, that you forget there is an option to “thrive”. That just as life can come along and disrupt you and take you down, those phases can end. And usher in a new era of good things. Where life might actually, start to go your way. And happiness didn’t forget you after all.
The Deep Connection That I Don’t Struggle to Explain (or Understand) Anymore
Around Valentine’s Day, I started to think of Brent in a different way. The chemistry was there from the moment I met him. Arguably (and we discuss it often) it was already emerging earlier). He told one of his friends that he knew he had stumbled on something uncommon.
Paraphrasing, Brent said, “I think I knew when we had our first long conversation. It was about four hours, and I didn’t want to hang up. I could have listened to her talking forever”. I’m not actually sure if he said ‘forever’ and I am paraphrasing, but the net result was a friend that said “awww, that is so awesome I am happy for you”.
The few people that are very close to me, and reading this, are laughing. Because boy, can I talk. And talk and talk and talk. But our conversation flowed. We found we hated the same stuff. Sounds weird right? But the list of things that were important (and unimportant) to us was long. And the sound of his voice, intonations and sense of humor reached all the way into me. I liked him. I knew I wanted to be friends with him. The physical chemistry took me completely by surprise.
You can read the hilarious Seinfeld-ian first night account on my blog. But be prepared to have a good laugh at my inner narrative because… it was like a cheesy episode of an after-school special. Where boy meets girl. Where boy really already liked girl, and girl had no clue. Until she turned around, met his eyes, and knew in a moment that she wanted much more than friendship. The emotional tsunami of it was entertaining in retrospect.
Read: “A Lesson in Organic Attraction and Chemistry“.
The dynamic of the deep connection or particulars is private. But in the first week, we exhausted ourselves by seeing each other constantly. Then, we talked and balanced it out. Adults have responsibilities and obligations; we aren’t teenagers. And now my guy manages the social schedule.
He leads, I follow (with input) because he has a schedule that is busier than mine. And he makes time for what is important to him. His children, his job, his rehearsals, band gigs, doing stuff with friends, his dogs, activities of daily must-do’s, and composing music. Practicing. In all of that, he carves out time for some chubby overly talkative Italian gal. With cartoon hearts in her eyes for him.
I’m turning 49 next month. I thought eventually, a relationship would find me. And maybe it would end up like so many of them; one-sided. Unfulfilling. Exploitative? No. Because I have developed some self-protection now at the end of my marriage. So much so, that I wasn’t sure I could even let someone new in. All the way in.
But I didn’t plan it. It happened. I resisted a little bit (real chemistry and connection is intimidating AF after you have been hurt badly). He had the maturity and the patience to remain steady. To go slow. And to gently assure me in the most beautiful ways, that he thought I was exceptional too. And the more time I spent with him, the more intense the magnetic pull became.
How I Feel When We Are Together
Brace yourself; shizz about to get mushy! I feel perfectly happy when we are in the same room together. I miss him on the days that we are not able to see each other. But it is not an obsessive feeling. It is not the kind of yearning that divides my focus from work, life, and responsibilities. I am not infatuated with him. I am in love with this man.
How do I know? Because it feels so much different. I am older now. Seasoned. Battle chinks and divots in my armor to be sure, from some of the adversity I have fought through since 2013. Not small stuff. Big stuff. And I powered through because … that’s me. I never quit.
I work through my fear and confront obstacles head-on. And I have duct-taped my heart back together so many times, I wasn’t even sure it was capable of beating a faster kind of pulse beyond daily sustenance. I literally lost my sh*t when I met him the first time. It wasn’t smooth or rehearsed. But it was authentic.
My boyfriend may be the best hugger on the planet. Seriously. His body and arms are made for hugs, and he pulls you in close with the kind of squeeze that makes you feel loved. And safe. And appreciated. My aura goes supernova when I get one of those hugs. But I still try to act a little cool about it. Not that he can’t read me. He can, with great accuracy, understand my facial expressions, eyes, and body language. Even if my words are saying something different, Brent can tell how I am feeling. And that blows my mind.
We have a shared sarcastic sense of humor. Dark humor sometimes. It is delicious! We crack each other up and laugh so hard in DMs, but in person, it’s even better. When was the last time you laughed until you literally felt your gut was going to split, and you had tears in your eyes? This happens between us a lot.
The Physical and Metaphysical Wow
Intimacies are private. How do I say this, without compromising the integrity of my relationship to him? If I were to rank our sex life out of 10? Our chemistry sans clothes is a triple-digit integer. And it keeps getting hotter, and better, every time. Another indicant that we’ve got something special here. And I think we both know it.
His manners and chivalry are so appreciated. My guy opens the door to his SUV every time. Even after I protest that it’s not really necessary; he does anyhow. When we are out, he holds my hand, puts an arm around me, or if I am wearing a short skirt, a warm big hand on my knee. Makes me shiver every time, especially when I look over at him and he is giving me that sizzling smile.
Roger that boyfriend! Get ready to deploy and cue the 70s porn disco track when we get home. No, we don’t play that music when we’re getting busy. But that’s what pops into my head when he gives me that smoldering “Oh yes, we’re going to BEEP as soon as we get home… my head is already there” look.
Mine too babe. I can’t keep my hands, lips, and caresses off you. The affection and the passion is off the hook. And I keep thinking “wow, how did I get so lucky?’ More and more I think the Universe threw Brent into my path because we were supposed to meet. Or maybe, with chemistry this strong, the magnetic pull was inevitable.
We fit. We make each other incredibly happy. We align in ways that frankly, still intimidate me sometimes. But as time goes on I am questioning it less. And just appreciating all the joy, love, warmth, and companionship he has brought to my life. And laughter.
Sweet Dreams and Busting at the Seams
In a world full of betrayal, infidelity, disloyalty, manipulation, pain, and emotional injury, can there still be beautiful love stories? God, this world seeks to wear us down through adversities and things beyond our control. The pursuit of happiness is often an afterthought, as we struggle to make it through global, economic, financial, health, and other challenges. All the while trying to work on ourselves, heal and conjure the possibility of a happy ever after. Even when life has shown you the #failarmy side of relationships.
My brilliant maestro. Music man. Composer. Amazing father. Loyal and supportive friend. Career driven, responsible, deep thinking, hilarious, passionate, affectionate human. You make my world a warm and beautiful place again. And I want to continue to learn who you are. Your history. Dive into your thoughts and creativity. Laugh hard. Do cool sh*t together.
I’m glad you said the words I couldn’t say, but already felt. We leveled up this week in ways that I won’t share. Every week seems to get deeper, better, and more fun. Our communication skills are getting better and even more naturally flowing. My desire for you keeps increasing (weird right?) and I am never ever bored. I have someone to look forward to sharing time with.
And I dream of a million days just like the one we shared yesterday. Because I woke up smiling this morning goofy AF. Trying to figure it out as I brushed my teeth and stared at myself in the mirror. Que Pasa nerd girl? Why are you all floaty and sh*t?
Because I am in a profound, happy relationship full of love, fun, and affection. And because I don’t know that I have ever experienced this kind of connection before. But I love it. And him. So much.
Thank you Universe. I know he is a gift you meant me to receive. I feel it.
