When I left Canada, I had perfect credit. It was good enough to save my mom’s $300k house from foreclosure, in fact. It was not without hard work and sacrifice that I built a credit rating good enough to buy my own condo. Which I had been saving diligently for.
Life happened, and when I look backward, I have empathy for the transitions I weathered. I am not going to rehash them now, because I am training myself to let go of certain things. Perhaps as I round the corner to turn 49 years old, I realize that the past is meaningless.
It is the present that matters. With every opportunity or challenge. And how you deal with what is on your plate, right now. Those that know me, understand the adversities I have fought through. Chaos, and having the rug pulled out from under my feet more times than I can count. Too many times perhaps it feels, for someone so smart, hardworking, generous, and honest.
I feel sometimes that I have had more than my share of bad sh*t happening to me. But that narrative serves no purpose other than to disable you from taking action. Right now. From being present in the present tense, and doing the best you can with what you have.
Oh Look! More Problems to Deal With
Compared to a bad day in Bangladesh, I have no problems. That flat road I crave so much of a predictable life is pure mythology; it does not exist. For anyone. Easy street or a life removed from challenges, sorrow, fear, and adversity? Not on this planet.
Life has the potential to kick your a$$ at every turn, with unexpected plot twists, bumpy roads, and sometimes, an entire bridge burning in front of you. And you have a couple of choices. You can dwell in the “this fu*cking sucks and I don’t deserve it” zone (which absolutely paralyzes the skills you need to overcome). Or you could take a leap of faith. The hardest leap of faith in fact.
You can develop a sense of calmness and faith that you will figure things out. That you have the capacity to solve your problems. Whether that means developing a strategy, while you lock down that whole “fear thing” or seeking out advice, support, and help from people who love you.
I’m so close to getting my life back on track (and hopefully a predictable, and worry-free existence). It is so close I can see it. The light at the end of the tunnel isn’t a train! I know the sh*t I am trudging through will have a purpose. To clear the way for the happy, safe, secure, and calm life I crave. And the one I am pretty sure I deserve, after swimming through tsunamis since 2013.
Getting Back to Work: Learning a New Industry
Coming off two months of unemployment (and abject financial terror) I landed a great job. One that I actually love. There is some transition or ‘growing pains’ in the job though. And it has been a stressful, and manic start. How do I know I love it? Because I am working late willingly, wanting to help turn the ship around and get the marketing department in order.
To be clear, that’s not my job. But in my brain, I expand always to make things my job if required. Because I am team-oriented. Because I am performance-driven. And also because being unemployed frankly terrified me emotionally. And I would not like to revisit that experience anytime soon.
I segued into fintech and the payments processing industry. I actually love finance and business. And the primary focus of this company is providing financial services to high-risk sectors. Including cannabis and ancillary industries related to controlled substances. My two years at the previous role provided a great foundation in the industry.
The team is very new. And there were a lot of recent new hires in the marketing department. This is very challenging because there are no concrete processes in place. But also, to someone like me, exciting. Because that means we can build awesome, from the ground up!
I love creating rules, systems and organizing things. I love seeing the transformation of workflow, and the results that expert marketing processes can achieve. When I say I am excited I am not lying.
Renting is a Nightmare in Austin Texas
My lease is expiring one month earlier than planned. Apparently, the previous property management company (it got bought out in November) messed up my paperwork. The hold deposit I placed in April was provided as the date of the lease. Even though, I didn’t pay all the fees until May 28th, 2021. That means, the lease I thought was ending in May, is actually ending in April.
[Insert !@$&%#!] No sooner did I get hired, than I got surprised by the information. You see, my former was kinda bonkers and scared me more than a little at the time I signed the lease. That clerical mistake in date (and my trust that the paperwork was correct) has returned to bite me in the butt.
I live in the hottest rental market in Texas. Where rentals are going through the roof (thanks to no rent control). You seriously gotta love Texas sometimes for their lack of social programs and protections for consumers. My rent is going from $1145 per month to a base of $1800. In one year. Yay! With fees, to stay put, I’d be looking at almost $2000 per month in rent. And if you saw where I lived, and all the huge problems with my residence, you would share my horror.
Think I am exaggerating don’t you? Crime rate high. Gunshots on the regular. Meth addicts shaking my doorknob (frequently). Air conditioning upstairs doesn’t work. Water pressure is a trickle. Most of the outlets don’t work either. It sucks.
What Happened to Your Credit?
I almost died three years in a row. But I didn’t die (yay!). Nonetheless, my introduction to American healthcare was zero debt to over $24,000 in deductibles. Gotta love the way the doctors didn’t fix me the first time, allowing me to take another hit less than three months later. In a new calendar year, with a new $7300 deductible.
This happened while my ex-husband’s business began to fail. He refused to get another job or even look for a part-time job to help with the expenses. I carried us. I worked from the ICU! (Not kidding). With a drain and a PIC line or IV in me, I was still working.
We navigated an immigration administrative error. To the tune of over $5000 in legal fees. We navigated his criminal charges for drug possession. I navigated a lot more than that, and use the term “navigated” to mean survived. Tried hard to bail out a sinking ship, before I gave up entirely and walked away.
Medical debt dings your credit. As a Canadian, I am hostile toward the American health-scare system. It seems punitive and designed to keep you in perpetual debt. I used to wonder why the foreclosure rate was so much higher in the USA compared to Canada. Now I get it. The system is rigged.
Medical Debt Can Take You (And Your Credit Score) Way Down
Building credit was already an uphill climb for me, as a Permanent Resident (green card holder). Having no credit history because you moved from another country is worse than having a history of bad credit. Believe it or not. I struggled to build my credit to a 690 after getting my green card. The 700 credit score was almost in sight… and then I fought for my life three times in hospitals. And BOOM! Credit problem.
In January I had reached out to a company for credit repair assistance. And then, well, I lost my job along with everyone else in our company due to an acquisition by another corporation. Greeeat. And now that dinged credit history is kicking my butt. And making it hard for me to get out of a neighborhood that I really shouldn’t be living in.
I want to start saving for a house again. I want to get my life back on track financially. I’ve made some great new friends in the area, and I am in love again. With an amazing man who is also on a path of healing and self-love. And he’s creative. Like me. 🙂 And the best kisser and snuggler I have ever had the pleasure of being in a relationship with. Those things (the social life) are going very well.
But I need to move out of this expensive rat trap. And I need to have things in my new job work out. And both of those imperatives and obstacles, are putting me in a place of fear. And I am not eating or sleeping well. I feel lonely.
Other People Have More Faith in My Ability to Fix Stuff
There are only a few people I will confide in, when I am experiencing high stress and anxiety. Diane, my loyal and loving best friend and rock? Yep, she is one of them. My anchor. My sanity. My amazing best friend is always cheering for me. And listening to me flip the f*ck out when sh*t goes wrong.
My sister is a confidante also. Having fought through her own adversities, sometimes she is a little more pragmatic. I know she loves me as much as I love her. She hides her empathy frequently. She’s got a hard exterior hiding a mushy center. And she got that way, for a reason too. Like me. Although, I am mushier.
My new special someone, boyfriend, companion…? What do the cool kids call it? I guess boyfriend works, even though it sounds dorky pushing fifty to speak those words. I love him. I really do, and I feel grateful to have his divine companionship. His steadiness and calmness. His own pragmatism and logic. And of course, his passion and humor. I love him! He’s the entire package and he fills my life with joy and warmth.
Sometimes I talk to my Mom but she worries frequently. So I try to keep the dramatic stuff on the down low. No need to stress my Mom. But she, like the other pivotal relationships in my life, shares the same opinion. It sounds something like “You are strong and smart, I know you will figure it out”.
Training Myself to Believe in My Ability to Make Things Work
When you have confidence in yourself, fear doesn’t stand a chance. And I believe in the power of intention and positive self-talk, to create a shift in your soul and energy. Because you see, as tired as I get of navigating bad things happening, there are worse things happening in my head.
The negative perfectionistic narrative is deafening when sh*t goes wrong. It is bad enough that I have to trudge through hard crap, but doing it with a broken record that belittles and weakens me every waking hour of the day?
Here is what my inner critic is saying on repeat right now:
- You are a loser. You don’t own a house.
- He’s going to leave and find someone who has her sh*t more together.
- You are going to be homeless.
- No one cares if you live or die, honestly.
- It’s always going to be this hard.
- You are going to lose your job and become unemployed again.
- You aren’t going to qualify for a decent apartment.
- You aren’t going to get the transfer to a one-bedroom in your complex.
- Your life is a clusterf*ck.
Well isn’t that tasty? That is some dark magic right there. And it is spinning me into a place of fear. And I am sick and tired of feeling afraid. And so, I need to start countering that narrative with positive sh*t.
What is Actually Going to Happen?
Time to stop eating yourself from the inside out. And reserve your energy for important things. Like solving the problems in front of you. Here are the facts:
- You aren’t a loser. You’ll buy another house someday. You are starting over again, and even if it takes some time, you’ll get back there again.
- He loves you. What you have together is uncommon and he knows it. Just like you wouldn’t walk away from a good thing, neither will he. And he experienced his own adversities; he’s not expecting you to be perfect. He knows who you are, and loves you for it. Especially your strength and resilience.
- Homelessness is never going to happen. You can go month to month in your current abode. Will it piss you off paying this much rent? Yep. Can you afford it? Yeah, but cash flow will take a hit. But ultimately, you won’t be living in your car. Get over it! Chances are the one-bedroom will be freed up soon, and they’ve promised it to you. Reserved it. Things can ACTUALLY go your way.
- That’s bullsh*t. There are some people who love you. And others who care about you too. You matter to them. They are cheering for you.
- It won’t be this hard. Things are changing for the better. And on the other side of this crap are some smoother waters. Hang in there… it’s coming.
- If you are already a key performer, chances are it won’t be your head on the chopping block. Hello, workhorse! You don’t think the bosses that be see it? They do. There is always room at the table for someone honest, hardworking, and results-oriented.
- Life as you know it, is going to get better. It’s your time for good things. You’ve earned it.
And I can pray that the Universe and God hear me. Just a little more luck and alignment to help me get back on track. Because I can taste what that feels like. And I am ready to work hard to make it happen now. To continue this amazing love story that found me. To feel proud in my trajectory in life once more.
And to truly love myself again.
