I have friends and family at all levels of success. Some struggle financially because of setbacks to health, unemployment, and the pandemic; you name it. Others in my family and periphery have worked hard, and been lucky perhaps, to not face adversities. Like the American health scare system. Or two divorces.
If you know anything about me, you know that I almost never ask for help. I learned early in life that the one person I could count on to solve my problems was me. And for the adversity that created that strong independent streak, I am grateful. Because you see, I don’t often let myself down. I find a way, and move up, over, or through whatever life throws at me. To the best of my abilities.
Never in my life have I been jealous of anyone. I like to surround myself with people I like (regardless of success, income, or circumstance). I’ve never been one to judge someone by money or possessions. I’ve known amazing families that had very little. And desperately unhappy (and mean) people who have every advantage. And still decided to be a d*ck.
But are you the type of person who can’t stand to be around people who have the things you want? Either monetarily or in other domains, such as kids, house, travel, a great relationship, and a long successful marriage. Or really cute dogs? 🙂
The problem isn’t the person who has what you want. The problem is you.
Creative Narratives of The Perfect Life
Boy, some people look like they have it easy, huh? A great partner, cute kids, a house, vacations, great jobs, and incomes. On the checklist of “doing life right,” there are many people who tick all the boxes. And when you have few (or no) boxes on the proverbial list checked off, it can create some pretty strong feelings.
We assume that people who “have it all” do have a perfect life. I’ve met people who admire me for my career (particularly women). Yep, I made it to the executive circle as a CMO. Yep, I have met the partner that (as of right now) I really hope I spend the rest of my life with. He was the greatest thing to come out of a really crappy 2022 for me. A year that saw me face some major adversities. And I fought to get through them.
I don’t have a perfect life. I used to have savings and the Canadian version of a 401k. I don’t know. I had to cash it out when I was sick. That makes me feel pretty shitty, given I am about to turn 50 and nowhere near the financial benchmarks I wanted to achieve. Life happens. I didn’t die. And I am not afraid to work double time to catch up.
My divorce left me in debt. Something I have been aggressively working on for years. So if you ask me why I don’t travel more? I have goals. I am starting to go out more and have fun (thanks to a social club and my partner). But I really locked it down to pay down my medical debt. That effort will continue for a few more years before I can buy a house again.
I have health problems. I have severe anxiety. Those are things I manage on a daily basis. I have a demanding job (which I love) that can be pretty exhausting. No one should envy me. I am just your Average Jane, trying to figure life out as I go. And do the best I can.
My Strained Relationship With My Sister
Sometimes I talk to my Mom to get some perspective. My sister lives a deliberately isolated life. She moved out of the Toronto area, and a dispute within the family had her align with my Dad. Who has been estranged from me for about ten years now? My choice. He’s incredibly toxic, an expert at gaslighting, and has a dark heart. #HardPass … go create mayhem in someone else’s life.
I am not going to make any more excuses for my sister. She has always been oppositional to me, and jealous of anything I did that she did not (or could not) do. I was good in school (she wasn’t). I was independent of my parents (she wasn’t). And most importantly, I separated myself from my Father’s influence during therapy, when I realized how toxic he was in my life.
No regrets. One of the best decisions I ever made was to cut ties there. And consequently, Kim has been his go-to kid. Which also means subjecting her to years of psychological manipulation, lies, and horrible social behaviors. He’s not a nice guy. No friends. No family around him after his behavior when my Grandfather died. He has a wife that is critically depressed and frequently close to an emotional breakdown. Because, yanno, he’s great to live with.
The Good Guy is Actually The Bad Guy (But She Can’t See It)
But in my sister’s eyes, he is all she has. And his behavioral habits (which are horrible) definitely rubbed off on her. Now, she finds herself living a pretty isolated life. She hasn’t dated in I think about 15 years now. She is turning 45 and has a lovely little house and two great dogs. She just got a new job for a big company (I helped her with her job search and references). On the checklist of life, my sister is definitely doing better than I am in some domains.
Makes me wish I never got married, to be honest, lol. How much further ahead would I be in life, if I had never married the second time and moved to the states? I’d be in a condo in Toronto with a $300K mortgage on a 750 square foot with a den, worth about $800k. Damn it.
But then I wouldn’t have met my partner. So life is strange that way. I am proud of my sister however and tell people that she has done well with her life. As far as her home, and financial acumen. She may not make much, but she is an expert at budgeting. And I admire what she has accomplished on her own.
The Worst Sister In The Entire World (Because She’s Social)
Dad is the good guy by proxy. He’s there. No matter how toxic he is, the dude is perfect in her eyes. It saddens me because what I know now about gaslighting, she’s clearly a victim of it. This is why I’ve tried so hard to adapt to her aggression, hoping that we could talk through some shared traumas. Hoping, I could encourage her to seek therapy and get help so she could get a handle on her emotions and have a happy life.
I am the bad guy in her world. It hurts sometimes, but less than it did years before. And when I talk to my Mom, childhood friends, and my best friend who spent some time with my sister too, they remind me of important facts:
- My sister has always been angrily envious of my life
- My sister has always been reclusive and moody (and frequently aggressive to me)
- My sister is antisocial and extremely introverted; but lonely. She resents my extroversion.
- My sister hates to see pictures of me doing things on social. It sends her into a jealous rage.
- My sister feels she is always there for me, and I am never there for her. (Even when I remind her of the many times I rolled up my sleeves to help, and listen).
- My sister feels like she loves me, but acts as if she hates me.
- My sister causes me a lot of pain and stress.
- It never seems to change. And when I apply boundaries, she threatens to “cut me off” and not talk to me. For years last time. It makes me sad to think about it when I see so many other people enjoying these great relationships with their siblings. Not all, but many. I am a family person.
My sister had a recent blowup at me. And it was kinda the straw that broke the camel’s back. As I thought about how much stress I have navigated since 2018 (and in the last year… Jesus) I made a resolution to protect myself better. To not feel bad about reducing time or access to people who upset me. And I’ve been doing that on the steady for years. But now my sister is on a timeout. And she’ll stay there until she learns to treat me with kindness and respect.
Relationship Impairment and Toxicity
I work daily on trying to be a better person. My ADHD and GAD make the brain wiring a little divergent. I have habits like interrupting people, talking too much, and talking OVER people (when I am excited about the people or the topic). On the outside, I can give the wrong impression. Arrogant, outgoing, confident, domineering, and all those other bad labels people put on women with leadership qualities.
Suck it. I’m awesome. But I do have to monitor my social nuances. My blunt directness and honesty can be difficult to hear. I hate silence and will fill it with stories from my life if no one else is talking. Or if I am on the phone with my only blood sibling who shares, literally, nothing about her life. Aside from the odd complaint about my father’s dementia and caustic behaviors to his second wife.
I am glad NONE of that is part of my daily life. I always knew he was a selfish asshole. And he feared to age and mocked elderly people in our family for their neediness. I knew he would be a horrific senior. I am grateful I am not in that equation. He’s an emotionally abusive jerk. Enjoy!
I feel like he domineered my sister. Or rather commandeered her life. He was possessive and critical of every decision she made. Controlling. It is like he took all his bad social behaviors (he never was a very social person unless he was exploiting someone) and distilled them into her. To her detriment.
And now we have an angry Kim who struggles in social circumstances. She likes young kids, dogs, and the elderly around her home. But hanging out with people her own age? Nah. Consequently, she is so lonely I know it is killing her. But instead of listening to my encouragement to join some groups in her city, get out, meet people, she doesn’t. She sits in that emptiness, and it becomes distilled into toxic feelings.
She’s turning 45 in January. It’s time to stop blaming our parents for your trauma. It’s been thirty years. It is time to stop the transference of your unhappiness to your sister; I’m just trying to live and get my own world back in order. It’s time to stop blaming others for your unhappiness. You own it. You can change it, or stay the same. It is up to you.
New Rules of Engagement Sent (And Not Received Well)
You know, if you provide someone with your boundaries and they do not accept them. Or they react in anger, that is telling. What that means is that you are correcting a false narrative the other person has created for you. And who likes to be told that they aren’t acting right, and you may be avoiding them because they are always negative, angry, and aggressive?
It’s a hard pill to swallow. Nonetheless, for my own sake, I had to clarify my boundaries:
- If you are rude, hostile, and aggressive every time we talk, I am less likely to call.
- If you tell me you are busy or ask me “what do you want?” or “what’s wrong now?” when I call? I am less likely to call.
- If I am working late or have a busy week, I will tell you when I am free. And we can connect and get caught up. If I don’t hear from you, I assume you are busy and will call when you can.
- If you squeeze calls with me in on your Uber deliveries when you are cussing out other drivers, I don’t find that to be quality time. Call me when you are settled at home.
- If you see pictures of me going out and you feel jealous? That’s a “you” problem. Fix that. I can’t do it for you.
- If you are pissed that I moved to the States and I am not there to help with Dad? That’s where life took me. Even if I was home I wouldn’t be in his periphery. In my heart, he died a long time ago. And there is no road back or desire to reconcile; I consider him emotionally dangerous.
- My financial recovery hasn’t allowed me to travel home to Canada (yet). And it would be expensive without a family home to stay in. So that has to wait for now. It is what it is.
- I am not the antithesis to your happiness; you are.
In my defense, other people would have ghosted her years ago. But she is my only sister and I love her. I actually love her more than she knows. And everyone else in my life has been trying to figure out why I put up with this shit all the time. Because they wouldn’t. It’s not healthy.
The way you treat me almost every time we talk stresses me out. And it hurts my feelings. Because again, I see so many people around me with the kind of relationship I want with their siblings. And since my Aunt died, I am feeling disconnected from my family. No one calls me either. Because everyone moves on with their lives when a family member moves far away. I have accepted that.
Fix Yourself and Find Your Happy (For Your Sake)
Her response to my long email (which I showed Brent and Diane) was more toxic. Apparently, her new counselor thinks I am a toxic, hurtful influence on her life. That’s great. Hear me out. Because underneath all that deflection lies the truth. And I hope she gets through her layers of unfounded and irrational hatred for me, to the real truth.
Our parents weren’t happy and they were at times, very emotionally and physically abusive to us. But God, that was so long ago. At some point as an adult, you have to stop looking back, and look at the here and now. And prioritize your own happiness.
I encouraged her to make a list of what she wants to change, and start working on it. I hope she does. But in the meantime, my own self-care needs mean new rules of engagement. And if my boundaries don’t fly? We have nothing to talk about until she does some self-care and work.
I hope she does. But she won’t be talking to me until there is a shift. I do not accept toxicity in my relationships anymore. Any of them. Nor am I willing to continue to be her whipping post for all the things she hates about her own life.
#FixYourself kiddo… and find me when you are in a better place. I’ll be waiting for you. It’s time to stop running and face it down. Fix it, so you can be happier and more fulfilled. Build your social life (beyond the toxic cage created by Dad). It’s time.
And you know where to find me when you are ready to be kind.
