I am one of those people who thinks that I drive my life. Good decisions get me ahead. Bad decisions (and there have been many) have fortified me. I mean, those bad decisions were like an exorcism to get through, and I still have divots and dents in places you can’t see. But I respect that my capacity to “get into trouble” is less than my ability to get out of it. And start over with a wiser perspective.

Here we are 1.5 years into our relationship, and we are living together. I’ve never felt happier, more understood, and safer. He’s never had better cooking, and his house is pretty darned clean, LOL! Even with our cumulative (7) … yes seven… dogs.

Go ahead and judge me. Some do.

And with all honesty, IDGAF 😂

I am not moving back home, because the person I fell in love with, has three lovely daughters (17, 15, and 11). And so the state that I could not wait to leave, has unexpectedly become home for the foreseeable future.

With specific issues resolved, I am free to travel home now. And plan to visit in the Fall. If only for a long weekend to hug as many of my special people as possible. It has been 9 long years. Immigration snafu (paperwork), life-threatening illnesses, and then Covid. A hostile divorce. It has felt like an evil force trying to keep me from going home, to my despair and frustration.

I have missed them all, every single day. You can leave home, but home never leaves you. And it is an aching feeling I carry every day. I cannot wait to wrap my arms around them.

I know now, that if I am going to commit myself to the beautiful relationship I find myself in, I need to work on putting down roots and dropping my anti-trust walls. But it seems the moment I do, I regret lowering the shields. People you trusted can surprise you. And I really hate surprises.

Professional and Party Girl (But Responsible AF)

So now that I know I am not leaving the country or state, it is time to put down roots, right? Make that scary effort to know people, and allow people to know me. The latter is the hard part. There is a facade of a “party girl” contradicting the very serious marketing executive which is a little confusing to most. The contradiction of that.

Deal with it, I am allowed to be both.

Consider that for the first time in my life, I am allowing myself to truly have fun. With zero fucks given. Most of the time. The truth is I give more fucks than I should. I have this deluded expectation that if I am kind and loyal to others, they will reciprocate in kind. And sadly, I have come to realize what an irrational expectation that is. Some will. Most will not. Because most people are driven by their own needs and agendas, whatever they may be.

I don’t like everyone. I click with certain types, as most humans do. But when I drop the invisible wall and make the effort to know someone, that means a lot to me. Just lowering the ramparts alone takes more than people may imagine. I’ve been through a lot. I battled through it independently. And did the internal healing work. Now, I feel more alive and happy than I have ever been before.

I am a strong MF… seriously. I am tired of being disappointed (and frankly hurt more than I should be) by people and their shocking behaviors. Prejudices. Negativity. Domineering natures. These are my Defcon 1 reactionary triggers. And sadly, the pervasive culture in this country right now is “my way or the highway”. That’s cool, I’ll take the quiet sideroads instead.

Folks can sometimes be mean, through judgment and exclusion. The contemporary interpersonal energy in this country feels untrusting and very protectionistic. We’ve all been through a lot in the past few years, and at times I feel just as bewildered and demoralized as everyone else by the hostility.

Regardless, I choose to try my best to be a nurturing, safe place. Someone you can trust, and someone who will actually help the people she cares about. However possible. That’s who I have always been. Someone who authentically cares, for no ulterior motive other than to build the kind of relationships I value. Real ones.

How Canadian of me, eh? I’m legit. Don’t worry I have no plans of running for office. I am nice because I like being nice. If you don’t trust nice people (and the transparency of that intention)… I feel bad for you. Some people are nice without a motive, other than … it makes them feel happy.

Present yourself as a stereotyping presumptive judge and jury, and you’ll find yourself in conflict with me. I’ve never rolled that way. Because I know what that hate feels like, and I have zero tolerance for it. I am very much a believer in “innocent until proven guilty”.

Show me who you are, and if you are kind and completely flawed, I will adore you for being a good person. Because trust me, I know I am flawed AF (but always working to be a better person). No delusions of being perfect or better than anyone else here. Except for the toxic asshats… I am decidedly better than those folks. I am peace-loving, and have an authentically positive personality.

I don’t stick labels on people. I decide whether they are my kind of person after observing their behavior. As most intelligent people do. I also do not take someone else’s opinion of an individual to heart. Humans have different experiences with other humans. You may have a conflict, but I don’t have to. You may mistrust a certain type of person; I have no reason to, based on your own negative experiences.

I’m a humanist. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt until I have a reason to dislike or distrust them.

Facebook Groups and Rebuilding a Social Life

Unfortunately one of the groups I loved the most turned fairly toxic. I was not in direct conflict with anyone particularly, but I felt the need to protect a couple of people I liked a lot, who were. I am sure this comes across as an annoying level of arrogance. Why am I so protective of people I really like? I am more protective of others than I am of myself.

Figure that one out? Let me know. It baffles me too.

I left the group quietly. Rejoined (was lonely), and left it again. And again. And then finally, I got so fed up with the toxicity I left for good. And decided to start my own group. I thought maybe, I might develop a close circle of 10 or maybe 20 similarly-minded people. It was started in January 2023, and as of today, we have four administrators and 423 members.

Holy shit… I didn’t expect that. But so far so good!

Numbers don’t matter to me. That is a vanity metric. I prefer quality over quantity. What matters is keeping it kind, and classy. Memes and funny jokes, fun events, and helping people connect with others. Singles may meet someone special (as I did) and couples may enjoy broadening their group of friends.

Someone commented in the chat the other day to a new member: “You will like this group. It isn’t mean or toxic like other Facebook groups…” my heart swelled. YES! Nailing it! Thanks to the group of good hearts behind the scenes, helping me create that environment.

Inclusion (LGBT friendly), no hate, no racism, no meanness. I have friends around the world from all faiths, bents, lifestyles, professions… it’s amazing. All bikers are bad? Nope. All swingers, or promiscuous people are bad? Says who? I know many who are amazing people. The diversity of it makes me a better person.

Sarcasm in spades (LOL) and innuendo. Memes and laugh emojis are the love language among GenX-ers. I am in love with the vibe we have created, even if some people do not agree with our moderation of certain things, to prevent getting into trouble with Facebook. Or making others feel ostracized.

But I think I have helped create a meaningful and positive space. Free of the toxicity and bullying found in many Facebook social groups. I feel good about that, and I have met some really amazing people. Not that I’ve really let the ramparts down at all… but it’s not hard to tell who is special to me. They get my time and attention. And I like doing things for them. Spending time with them. Going to events when I know they will be in attendance.

The best I can manage is “I like you lots” which is a weak assed way of saying “Hey, I hope we can be close friends, I dig you!” Yes, extroverts can be socially cautious too. I didn’t feel “whole” enough to start pursuing close friendships until now. I was refilling the over-drained well within me, and learning to trust again.

Perhaps a new friend or two may feel that and yet be undaunted. I’m a great friend. A real “there for you” person. But understandably, cautious and selective about who I let in.

I am flippant, confident, somewhat funny, entertaining, and a leadership personality. Extroverted to a fault. I am either a migraine or a great friend, depending on the chemistry. But whether I like you or not, you aren’t going to get into a fight with me. I have had enough conflict to last my entire life, and I don’t spend my energy there anymore.

I come from a family which, for the most part, were warmongers. Gossiping about each other. Prejudging. Playing each other in competitive and psychologically damaging ways. I loved each one of my family because blood is everything to me. I loved the “good guys” more.

My unwillingness to “hate” led to voluntary estrangement from my Father. He lost me, for good, because he was a hate monger. A prejudiced, pre-judging, lying, gossiping, gaslighting reversionist of history and PhD-level manipulator who has left a trail of broken souls behind him. I got out before he could do more damage. I also have a Ph.D. in toxicity… not as the purveyor of it, but as the victim of it.

But it hurt to separate him from my life, so much. Yet I refused to follow that path. The same one that has done great emotional, social, and spiritual damage to my sister. My tolerance for that behavior is less perhaps than it should be because it triggers deep-seated emotions. I don’t want that in my periphery.

My New Definition of a Happy Life

What do you do when you find a partner that is an equal in all things? Intelligence, emotional maturity, responsibility, creativity, affection, financial acumen, and honesty? Well, you create a plan and start trucking on it. I’m preparing to buy the last house I will ever live in.

I have moved eight (8) times since 2009. This daisy needs to root up and stay put in a safe place where she is happy, loved, and appreciated. I like roots. I like community and bonding. I am ready to build that again now, here in Austin.

Trauma is kind of like a sliver, in many ways. You feel it below the skin. You can push and tug at it all you want, but you must patiently wait for the edge to work its way to the surface. Only then, can you remove the sliver, right?

Negative emotions, trauma, memories, betrayals… I’ve learned so much that I never knew during my last marriage. Secrets have a way of working their way up to the surface like any other painful injury. And when you are married to a serial liar, you begin to put the pieces together in retrospect. And the story makes more sense. You fill those gaps with knowledge that you didn’t have before. And you may doubt your ability to ascertain the qualities of good people, based on choosing someone capable of doing so much damage to your being.

Still, I like giving everyone the benefit of the doubt. One of the qualities I love about myself.

Pain is the great educator in life. And it determines your trajectory in two ways I think. You either pull in and become defensive, hate-filled, intolerant of differences, and hostile to protect yourself. Or you do a terrifying thing instead and put yourself out there vulnerably. Wear your heart on your sleeve (that’s not a bad thing, honest). I think we need more of that warm authenticity in this world right now (not less).

My new life feels like it is on the right track. I love my job and my income. A culmination of twenty-five years of grinding in my profession, and I finally hit the C-Suite. I am proud of the fact that my career is one thing I have never messed up. Its trajectory has always been strategic and focused. It’s good to be good at at least one thing, lol.

After two divorces, moving to a new country, and having the foundation I built for 7.5 years demolished entirely, I’ve been putting the bricks back together slowly, to rebuild from the ground up. With the encouragement and support of people who know me, and love me, I’ve been working at it steadily. I feel more like myself than I have since 2017.

An Open Heart is a Sign of Healing

How do I know I am healing and rejuvenating? Because I have extra warmth inside myself to share. The well of my being, with patience, “doing the internal healing work” and self-compassion, is filling up quickly now. I have resources to not only take care of myself but be more aware of and attentive to the needs of others too. That is also a sign of my recovery. Yay! This shit is actually working. COOL!

Now I am working out at the gym 4X per week with my partner. Traveling to Florida sometimes for my amazing job, and to Denver in June (first time… all the yay!). I am going out to social events, and enjoying the group I created. The conversations! The new memories and experiences!

My extroverted core is LIT! And I feel blessed.

It’s challenging sometimes, to guide the positive and inclusive vibe I wanted to create with the Facebook group. Online communities are tricky things. I know everyone has their own beliefs and bents. Luckily, I have some dear friends helping me out. I feel blessed that they want to. And understand the safe place I am trying to create for others online.

A nurturing, fun, polite, and positive social oasis. Something I feel we need now, more than ever before.

Brave New Mission? Making Some New Close Friendships

I help people when I can. Because I know what it feels like to be faced with a challenging or dire situation and feel like you have no one there to help. My intentions are kind. Part of me wonders how desperate that appears to others. In the digital age, I think we may be losing touch with some of the old-school social nuances that built community. Or maybe the pandemic broke that. Who knows?

I do things for people that others would simply not do. I care about their problems and struggles like they were my own. But only for the people I am interested in. I am an empath. I feel everything (not just my own shit) and absorb it.

If I like you, I invest myself into knowing you. And building trust.

Giving Makes Me Happy

Recently someone said, “You do so much for others, I worry about you.” And that sent me to a contemplative place, where I am still trying to sort that out. I like doing for others. Service is my love language. I try to be kind to everyone. If that’s weird to some, then I wish you had more givers in your life. We are without any other motive, other than to help where we can, and experience joy from doing that.

If someone is an asshole to me, I am also capable of being a Ph.D. asshat in return. Trust me, I have the skills. But you REALLY have to earn my ire to unlock that level. Kindness is not a lack of strength. It takes strength to be kind. And at times, lock down the very natural reaction to lash out, when someone is being an asshole.

Generally, I am distant and apply my skills at polite avoidance when someone has shown me they have toxic tendencies. Does that piss people off? Yep. No one likes disapproval. Some people like a fight, but I don’t. That’s a failure of my own capacity to manage a situation as a kind adult. Can it happen? Sure. I’m not perfect. But I try really really really REALLY hard not to perpetrate or contribute to toxicity.

If you are an asshole, you may earn a direct “Come to Jesus” moment with me. It’s definitely a “you problem” to sort out because I am pretty patient. But I am not obliged to explain myself. Or allow your toxicity to impact my well-being.

Oh, those confident, kind, strong, and direct independent women! Annoying AF eh?

Only to some people. I am a servant leadership kind of personality. An encouraging person. Someone who likes to share, and give. Weird? Nah. But if I am not your flavor, I have a pretty pragmatic response. That’s okay. You do you. I like me. I am going to do me (and my life) the way I see fit.

I’m trying to recreate the sense of family I have at home. I guess it is going to take time. Real friendships. A sense of loyalty and kindness. No toxicity (I’ve had enough passive aggression and disgruntled, selfish, manipulative behavior to last me a lifetime).

Some have commented that I am a “little hard to get to know”. I’m not. I just proceed cautiously. As most honest, open, and trusting people do. You can expect transparency and honesty from me, delivered politely, but in a very direct manner. That doesn’t work for people who prefer covert and often manipulative styles of communication. That too, is a “them” problem.

My Boundaries Are Few But Finite

When someone I trusted aggresses I take it to heart. And while I am able to ignore their behavior, it hurts. Particularly people I have been so kind and open to. Any time someone like that turns into a toxic, passive aggressor, I feel broken.

Not about what I did wrong, but why people think they can impose their beliefs on me. I’m a Taurus. Good luck with that. 🙂 Like seriously… the fundamentals that make me, well, me? A few people have tried to beat it out of me throughout my life. It didn’t work.

I have a very clear sense of who I am, and my values. My integrity doesn’t bend for anyone. Try to take a bite and I promise, you will chip your teeth. For a deep feeling sensitive, I can be an emotional Mike Tyson when I have to. On the topic of acceptance, inclusion, and “No Hate” I am unyielding. I don’t care who you are.

Despite good intentions, someone inevitably will react poorly to my boundaries. And because I am not experienced at setting (and keeping) boundaries, I will question them. At first. And ask people I trust… “Am I wrong?” I start by presuming it was probably me (working on fixing that) so I ask for an honest consensus to evaluate.

Did I do something wrong when I stood for what I believed in?

Nope.

When I explained it ad infinitum, and why I aim for a policy of acceptance and kindness? (You agreed, and then kept circling back to the same intention to exclude certain people).

Nope.

Did I tell you your beliefs were wrong, and you had to accept mine?

Nope. I told you your beliefs were not aligned with the environment I was trying to create.

Because I do not share your beliefs, does not mean you are not entitled to yours. It just means we hit an impasse where we are not going to agree. Not once. Not twice. But three times the conversation escalated uncomfortably in the past three months. No one else felt compelled to enforce the same restrictions in the group.

The individual made a decision that was right for him. I let him know that I understood and respected that decision and that there was no anger. That’s how adults agree to disagree, without disrespecting each other. If my boundaries and transparent explanation of them mean we can’t be friends, then we were not supposed to be.

I am an inclusive person. Anything that hints at controlling others (beyond moderating content to keep a pleasant environment) is a little too Gestapo for my tastes. And as a digital marketing professional who has been moderating social media and online communities since 2007, I am going to defer to my expertise and knowledge in that regard.

Often I Compromise But Sometimes I Do Not

In many things, I will compromise. I prefer to get along well with people. I have no motive other than peace, fun, and good vibes. However, in some things, I steadfastly will not compromise. My base code is compassion first.

When it comes to unilaterally hating someone because of their non-mainstream lifestyle choices? Yeah, I don’t do that. I love people. Like REALLY LOVE 🥰 other people. Especially diverse, creative, intelligent non-mainstream folks. People are a delicious tapestry of life experiences, motivations, strengths, weaknesses, and thoughts. The more unique, the more fascinating and rewarding it is for me to know them.

Writers are kinda like that. 😊

Things have really changed in this country, with some people. The entitlement to profile people and try to put them into definitions or little boxes that make you feel comfortable? That’s not how I roll. I embrace diversity and judge people based on their behavior, personality, and how they treat others.

As long as they are not harming anyone else, what business is it of yours to judge? That is the baseline level of hate.

I need a real reason to dislike someone before I impose my choice to distance myself from them. Something tangible, hurtful behavior to others, toxicity, criminality, violence, dishonesty, passive aggression (boy, that irritates me), gossip… these are the reasons why I distance myself from certain types of people.

My tolerance for toxicity is zero. Once you have shown me your toxicity… I cannot unsee it. And for the sake of my own happiness, I politely distance myself. The hurt passes in time, and life goes on.

Wanna talk about it? I love resolving issues with miscommunication, where they exist. Wanna be passive-aggressive on social about it? I’m afraid you lost me for good. Me, and any respect and affection I held for you. I don’t roll like that. And I really dislike people who do.

But also as a caring adult, talking shit isn’t something I do either. I’m all grown up and stuff.

Unapologetically Authentically Caring and Happy

I will keep being me, doing what makes me feel good, and trying to be a fun, outgoing, adventurous, energetic, positive safe place for others. And see if I am lucky enough to make a few new very close friends. I’m sure that will happen with time, and I am in no rush.

I am so happy about all the good people I have met, and socialize with. Every time a new person joins and gets connected to social activities that light them up? Or meet someone nice to date?

I BLOOM INSIDE!

Because that is exactly what I wanted to do for others.

And for myself.

I’m going to remain of those fluffy, excitable, trustworthy, positive, caring, extroverted, fun, and happy people that love spending time with others.

Because I think the world needs more of that. ✌️