There is nothing more attractive than someone who can stand up to you.
I had this concept about marriage and romantic relationships that was a little fantastical. I thought that the perfect relationship meant that you never argued, never faced off in opposition. A good relationship according to books, magazines and television families is defined by an eerie, passive peaceful existence with one another. It’s only recently that television has decided to be honest about family life. If you watch the show “Married” like I do faithfully, you will delight in the honesty of that fort-something marriage with children.
I like that they are real. Spicy. Unconventional. Still trying to figure life out and growing as human beings. I also love the sarcasm and swearing.
One of the things that was hardest for my family to accept about my divorce was that I was leaving a “nice guy”. Educated with an elite job at IBM Canada, my first husband was faithful, hardworking, honest and passive. He loved animals, hated conflict and discord and found me exciting with my volatility and emotionally reactive nature. He called me passionate. I called him conservative to a fault.
The conflict in our natures among other considerations including ambition and drive were other factors in ending our marriage. I felt I was going to cruise through life on this safe, auto pilot setting. Enough money, enough house, enough “things”… but no excitement. No adventure. No risk. No dreams and no striving to take a bite out of everything in this world. I live with the sound of a ticking clock in my head… when the time comes for my ride on this planet to be over, I want to know I was “full throttle” into every day, experiencing everything I could.
We are all end of April/May babies in this house. Four Taurus personalities in residence, and while I do not believe in hocus pocus kind of things, I have to admit that the personality traits are eerie in their accuracy. There is a fierce love and protective aura in our home; we may spar with each other but we absolutely guard ourselves against injury from outsiders. And perhaps, you know… I mean MAYBE stubbornness might be rampant (mostly with Kevin and the boys) *grin* and everyone wants their way, always. I can play the “girl card” and get my way about 90% of the time. Being the only girl in this house has its benefits with my Texan gentlemen and I am never afraid to play on proprieties and manners to get what I want.
Bull horns or devilish horns, you decide.
After a particularly super-star week for both of us professionally, and after earning the praise of my husband, I am reminded how lucky I am. We bump heads constantly, because he is not passive. He is passionate, strong, stubborn, intelligent and also creative. “What happens when a tornado meets a volcano” … people cringe thinking it won’t work due to the volatility. But the truth of the matter is that I have to be married to someone equal to, or slightly stronger than I am (pffft.. as if) in order for the relationship to work. I can be a bulldozer of a personality… I need someone who knows how to be a diamond wall in front of me from time to time. Or against me, because although I dislike that part of my personality, I test people constantly because I don’t trust that I am a good judge of intention (anymore anyhow).
I need someone strong enough to stand up to me, tough enough to push back, and intuitive enough to know when I need reassurance, nudging, encouragement and support. And when to leave me alone entirely.
None of my friends are “yes” people either. The ones that I am closest too have no qualms about calling me (quite directly) on my behavior. I can be quite domineering because I’m a leadership oriented personality; I tend to be the boss frequently but mostly because so few people really want the role. And with my husband Kevin, we take turns which is such a tremendous relief. I trust him enough to take the reins (sometimes… I mean, I do like being in the drivers seat frequently). But more and more I find myself relaxed and willing to step back, and let him drive. And that’s how I know I am married to an equal.
You mess with a bull, you get the horns. Two sets of horns make life interesting and the kids don’t have horns yet. They have those like… little baby nub horns that are developing.
Sometimes I look up at the sky and chuckle. I’ve spent a lifetime apologizing for being strong, or being the type of “fix everything” leadership personality. Some people in my life have said that I “always need to be the boss” which is not true at all. I have no problem handing over the wheel, as long as I know the driver is qualified. I’ve been in relationships where the wheel was handed back to me in terror “DON’T MAKE ME MAKE DECISIONS!!!!” which kind of forced me to be in control. To me, there has never been anything more attractive than a man who takes the wheel (and does a good job of it). Confidence is sexy, as long as it goes along with emotional IQ and intelligence.
Yes we conflict frequently. But then again, we’ve been married just over a year and we are still newlyweds, two head strong people laying down the track for domestic happiness. I mean, it would go smoother if Kevin simply learned to listen… and follow direction, right? *grin* What happens with two “bossy bosses” under the same roof? Chemistry No bull…