It’s funny the things you tell yourself when you have dwelled in a place of insecurity for a long time. We all have narratives or ‘stories’ we like to play over and over again. One of my most prevalent stories is that women don’t like me.
I’ve been thinking about the context of that story a lot lately. You see, the culture shock of moving from Canada to a small town in North Texas was great. People who loved me, and who had spent time in Texas, warned me about it. But I thought it was a misnomer. Like, I was going to build a life with my husband and stepchildren. And I loved them all very much.
I told myself that no matter what, I would adapt. After all, I have been through some major upheavals in my life and landed on my feet. What those upheavals did to me, was create trauma. But they also helped me build a strong and resilient character.
You see, the more you go through the kind of bad stuff that would tank most people, and live? The stronger you get. Trust can become something of an issue though. Each time you are shattered and put yourself back together, you are less likely to let people into that sanctum. Not because, perhaps, you don’t trust them. But you don’t trust yourself. And your ability to survive a negative outcome, if you really love the person.
Because I have been walking around with this narrative for so long, my goal in 2022 is to address it. Is it actually true? Do women innately dislike me? Where is the evidence of that? And if it is true, and something negative about myself, I will invest a great deal of energy to own it. Accept it. And, try to resolve it.
Not Everyone’s Cup of Tea? Big Personalities Are Like That
Big personalities are a beautiful thing. Confident. Sexy. Assured of their own capabilities in social and work settings. Some can mistake a big personality for arrogance. But if that is the assumption, it is more about the audience, rather than the subject. What is it about my big personality that triggers you so much? Do you wish you had the guts to be this open? This expressive? To have this much self-love?
None of that is my problem. I used to make myself miserable over this point. We choose who we surround ourselves with. If you are in a social group online, and you dislike someone, block is the best feature ever invented. There. Peace out! You do you, boo. And I, will absolutely, do me. With zero F’s given whether my personality makes you feel insecure or not. That is your issue. Welcome to planet earth. Everyone is not my cup of tea [BLOCK]. And I, am also, not everyone’s type. And I am okay with that.
But if you are not my cup of tea, I don’t hate you for it. We’re just different. We vibe on different frequencies. What I love about my life and my sense of exploring others, is learning about people. Learning about what and who I like. And learning why some people do not mesh. The more you know, the better you are able to make decisions about friendships and dating. And avoid the joy-kills.
Being Friends With Men IS Possible (Boys, Not So Much)
So, just like dating, if you want to make more female friends and build that squad, or tribe, you have to start by defining your objectives. Characteristics that you find appealing in friendship. And that can be with men or women. Further to my clearly upset post about male friendships, let me make an addendum.
Men and women can be friends. Boys and women, cannot. And I will leave that right there. I have proof. Male friends, I have loved for decades who always have my back. And while they may occasionally catch a whiff of my perfume or flip of my hair and think “aww… cute!” the established boundaries hold. And we both benefit from the friendship.
I’ve made a new male friend that exactly fits this profile. And I cherish him. The conversations are always delightful, rich, and honest. Authentic relation. And as we get to know each other, I also feel comfortable and safe in the friendship. As he does, in mine.
But it takes a real strong and disciplined human, to have a friendship like that. And I am learning that not all men are capable of it. That’s cool too. They aren’t my kind of people, the ones that struggle with the platonic only mindset. It’s reflective of their limitations, not mine.
Women I Love Spending Time With
Back to the ladies. What kind of women absolutely light me up? Well, that would be going back to the prototype of the most perfect woman on the planet; my best friend of 18 years, Diane. Because she is brilliant. Sage, and wise. Calm, and thoughtful. Hardworking, and honest with me always. Not afraid to criticize me constructively. From a place of love.
But within the goal of building a tribe of female friends (seems a little harder in your forties), I realize that there are many qualities in this new single chapter of my life that mesh. What kind of women ARE my cup of tea? They are women who:
- Are confident
- Non-competitive (this speaks to confidence in ones own skin)
- Very intelligent
- Grounded and responsible
- Fun and vivacious (one needs the wild-child girls around to pull you out of your comfort zone)
- Mentally balanced
- Ambitious career minded
- Open hearted
- Forgiving (because I step in it often, and will definitely apologize when I do… I just need to that chance to)
Must love dogs! Or animals. Nature. Being outside. Life in general, with a good healthy dose of optimism. I am a positive person and an idealist. Easily impacted by people who are negative, though. It hurts me to see someone run themselves down. Hey, that’s my OS… I’ll dwell in negative self-talk land, but I won’t let you do it. Be that mean to yourself. I know, I am a hypocrite.
Some Women Like Me!
Wow, that felt great to write. Don’t 100% believe it yet, but all signs are positive at this point. I have stretched myself. Taken some chances. Had some very open conversations with local women I think are awesome. And guess what happened? Squee! They want to spend time.
No really, they want to spend time with me. 🙂 Yes!
A long time ago, my mentor and friend in New York (who I love so so much) told me it was all in my head. Not only that, but by believing women wouldn’t like me, I was perpetuating a vibe that made it difficult to make new friends. So did Diane. Consistently, remind me that I am a great and interesting and fun friend to have.
Sometimes I find that supportive statement to be sketch. I mean, when it comes from someone who loves you. They are supposed to say nice things, even if they aren’t true. Diane and Christina (and my Aunt in heaven) are shaking their heads I am sure. Both of them would take me to the mat if I was wrong. It happens frequently. Me being wrong, that is.
So when evaluating the social balance sheet, I realized how stifled I let myself become, by not welcoming female friendships. They feel GOOD! Really good! The relation between women. And here I thought, having a female SQUAD was something that didn’t happen for women over the age of twenty-five? That was a story I told myself. And self-perpetuated that outcome by proxy.
My social wheel has been a flat tire for so long. Fighting to establish me here in the United States. Overcoming health crises and adversities in my marriage. Fighting to save the marriage, even when I knew years ago, it wasn’t worth saving.
I can have wonderful female friendships and new adventures with them. I see that now. And to my heart, it feels something like a glass of water after crossing the Serengeti. I may not be ready for a serious romantic relationship for some time. But my heart is happy, surrounding myself with good women on the same journey.
