Someone introduced me to a phrase that was new to me. Have you heard of ‘beta’ behavior? For someone who loves psychology as much as I do, and the dynamic of relationships, this was exciting. Last night, after I got home from poetry I did the reading. Because that person had mentioned it more than one time.
By definition, it is subservience. Submission. Appearing weak. Now, I have to admit when I read that, it really made me angry. Because if you really know me, you know I am anything but weak. I am the “Unsinkable Molly Brown”. I’ve navigated the kind of life-altering junk that would put other people in “the happy wing” of a hospital ward.
And come out standing. And stronger. And a better person for it. I am proud of my resilience in the face of some pretty hefty adversities. Which I won’t go into here if I can help it. That’s in the past. I am focused on a happy, peaceful, and fun future.
But it got me thinking… do I actually do that? See, I respect the person who said it. So, I don’t think he was hurling it like an insult. But since it was an observation about my personality, I wanted to dig deeper. I’m the kind of person that fixes the leaky faucet, yanno?
Am I an Alpha Female?
I think that is a tough one to answer. Yes. But personality types and behaviors vary. For example, I have met male and female alphas who are manipulative. Big game players. I play games (stop laughing Diane). But my games are flirtatious. I am aware sometimes I ‘test’ people. That’s because I don’t want any more manipulative exploiters in my periphery. Ever again.
And they find me. They really do.
I believe I should take care of myself. Financially, spiritually, sexually, and socially. I don’t believe it is anyone’s job to do it for me. I have never been the Disney Princess, waiting for the “knight in shining armor”. I only played with Barbies because my childhood friend Catherine made me. I was busy writing poetry, drawing unicorns, and fancy fashion dresses on my notepads.
Confidence professionally. Yes. I don’t allow myself to be pushed around, even though I am the only female in our company. Small company but mighty in reach and influence in the cannabis space. A lot of that has to do with me. Including the lead generation strategy I developed.
I do not (and here is the important part) have to be the boss all the time. In fact, nothing turns me on more than the idea of someone else taking the wheel. A dominant person in some cases hasn’t been given a choice in life. I was an introvert that had to become an extrovert to survive. And I toughened up and got it done. Bulldozed whatever I needed to for my peace and happiness.
Some Alpha’s will not be dominated EVER! It’s not in their DNA. But for me? On the rare chance, I find that needle in a haystack man who IS MORE ALPHA than I am? WOW. Cartoon hearts in my eyes. Ahh… there it is. That’s what is behind this twitterpation. You ran into someone who is not only interesting but has a more powerful personality than you do.
And that’s really hot. It was 2009. That was the last time I met someone with those attributes. And he rocked my world and every molecule in my brain and body. Note that in your brain Skylar. Very important piece of the attraction puzzle. And criteria for future relationships.
Game Players Are Not Always Malicious: Feeling Insecure When Someone is Smarter Than You
There is another reason I play games while dating. I want you to prove to me (beyond a reasonable doubt) that you are smarter than I am. Mentally stronger than I am. More intuitive than I am. There have been two times in my life when I have met someone that was. And everything exploded in me. The desire was so great to engage with them because they lit my brain on fire. And subsequently, my body.
Sapiosexuality. Wouldn’t it be far easier on me if I just liked pretty men? Because throughout my life, I have dated the jocks. The tough but kind biker dude (Scott). Some other guys are so beautiful to look at. Including a friend that crossed over the threshold of friend-zone briefly; until I realized my feelings for him were platonic throughout. But if you look at my friend, he’s put in the work. That man has muscles. And a sweet, kind demeanor to boot.
But I am an alpha female. Because if I am more complex than the person I am dating? I’m bored. People are smart in different ways. But as a digital denizen, former (returning) gamer girl, website builder, sci-fi geek, content and SEO whiz, that is an important component. The digital community aspect. The computer geek stuff is like pheromones to me. Because those WERE the guys I dated in Toronto. Those WERE what my friends were like.
Running Scripts is Tantamount to Psychological Warfare: Stop Doing It!
Running scripts. Someone told me about scripts and when she did, my eyes opened to some that had been effective on me. Explaining why I lingered so long in a dysfunctional and unhappy marriage. To my detriment. Because when you start thinking of scripts that people run on you (like software protocols) you start to see them. And like The Matrix, once you start seeing them you can’t unsee them. They are everywhere.
My scripts when interested in dating are as follows:
- Make sarcastic jokes. It’s like a preview of my brain. I want the person to know I am smart. And funny.
- Find a way to touch him on the date. Only if interested. That could be a shoulder nudge. Or patting his knee with my hand. I also lean in when I like someone (caught myself doing that recently). First sign I find them attractive.
- Find out their interests. Do they align? Do we like the same things or at least some of them?
- Flirt. Flirt. Flirt. Flirt… testing 1, 2, 3. Do I “do it for you?” or meh? [HAM Radio] Please respond male lifeform… over!
- Spicy talk. No, not trashy. But I want you to know you are igniting some five-alarm fires… you know [points down]
- Let me indulge you. Show you my generous and gentle side. Cook you dinner. Invite you over for a movie.
- You could do better. I looooove this script. 🙁 So, once I have figured out that I am genuinely attracted to someone, I deduce that it’s probably not reciprocal. And the self-depracating talk begins. I realize this is a head game. I’m aware of it and will hopefully route it out of my code. I’d like to think I don’t need validation. But I constantly seek it ONLY from the ones I truly care about. And respect. Ask the Mexican guy who keeps inviting me for drinks on his balcony. He thinks I am both a lesbian, and pregnant. I’m getting creative with the “no thanks” because he doesn’t seem to listen. Vaya con dios dude… NEVER happening. And stop pulling your shirt up to show your muscles.
Now take all that and sum me up. Those scripts are deafening. Intimidating? Maybe. Emasculating? Crap… I see the unintentional consequence of these “games” that my friend says I play. But Diane also knows the motivation is not to hurt anyone. But to avoid getting hurt myself. I’ve had enough of that.
Good learning. Really good learning here.
Beta Flashing? Probably. It’s Actually a Compliment
And about the “beta flashing” or appearing submissive? There is no appearing submissive. And submissive is definitely NOT how anyone would describe me who knows me. I’m a T-Rex. Until I meet a male T-Rex… and I am like #OhHai! … [blush]. There aren’t a lot of them around. Glad to see there are still some out there.
But maybe that is a behavior I engage in selectively. Rarely in fact. When I find an apex-smart person. When I am not compelled to compete or show them how much stronger I am intellectually, or emotionally. When I am not competing at all. Just basking in the glow of something I want more than anything. A relationship with someone just a little bit smarter, and stronger than me.
There are women who look for a strong man because they are weak. Financially dependent. Emotionally co-dependent. That is looking for a “Daddy”. My Dad was emotionally vicious. I have no “Daddy Complex” and hate women who do. It’s a sad way to live, to expect a man to solve all your problems. We’re all adults. Own your shite.
Boss girl has to be the boss because there has been no one else qualified for the job. She will always take care of herself and her own life. But she can’t help but swoon when someone is just a little bit bigger than she is. Where it counts. [Points to head].
Because therein lies the fantasy of a relationship of equals. Equally ambitious. Equally intelligent. Equally social. Equally adventurous. Evenly matched.
I want that. Some day. So the ‘beta flashing’ isn’t normal for me. But it should definitely be taken as a compliment. Not a deliberately malicious ten-page strategic manipulation. It just means I experienced a “wow’ reflex to an uncommon personality type. And the fact that I am unsure of myself in the presence of the personality type I so crave?
That sucks. I’ll have to work on it. Especially if this is the kind of boyfriend I want to have. Someone who sees through the code to know it’s not 100% authentic. But hopefully someday, someone willing to acknowledge the good OS. It’s a great one actually. It just learned some bad protectionist habits. It’s not about manipulating anyone. It’s about protecting me.
