I think because I haven’t always been lucky in love, I developed some pretty high expectations. To be honest with you, getting into another serious relationship was not even on my radar. I was very much in a zone where I believed men were a bad investment of time, energy, money, and emotional bandwidth.
I was caring for me, and my pack of dogs, and that was all that mattered to me. I declined dates I even had a few guys in my complex pester me, to no effect. I just simply wasn’t interested in the least. Bad investments, the lot of them. Men. Yuck.
Isn’t it wonderful when you are so sure that you are going down a specific path, and then the Universe throws you a curve ball? Sometimes, that is a disruptive change in course. Something bad happens, like poor health, or a toxic relationship, and you lose yourself for a bit. However, the Universe has an equal probability of delivering a positive change in direction too.
There were many times when I saw someone I knew, make an incredible comeback. I cheered for them and was so happy (because they deserved that victory). Consequently, I have watched Karma bite many manipulative, dishonest, and exploitative people, in the backside. And kind of relished it.
Honest People Have No Fear of Karma (Or Telling Their Truth)
I will not lie. I enjoy spectating Karmic retribution. It is deeply satisfying to watch. When it comes to telling my story, I have the receipts. Namely, an amazing best friend that I used to forward ALL the emails to, so I could work it out. Not the relationship; how I was going to cut off a toxic human.
I have emails archived in a folder in Google Drive. You know, because abusive people can be revisionists of history, I thought it best to keep a little documentation. I will draw inspiration from it for my upcoming books, a la “Shades of Baby Reindeer” perhaps.
The world needs more stories of people who got played, hurt, and fully recovered. Some people, never make it back from that broken place. I, however, did. My story matters to me.
Pro Tip: Only liars and narcissists get angry when someone tells the truth. Guess why?
Becoming People Picky (For All The Right Reasons)
You get used to a variety of different types of men. There are the ego-saturated assholes, who think they are God’s gift. Hell, many women buy that narrative, hook, line, and sinker. I, myself was suckered in badly twice. Now I am less a hopeless romantic, and more a skeptic, and always pragmatic about the value and intentions of the human beings I meet.
Male or female, if you are a drain on my energy incessantly, or stress me out? You aren’t going to see much of me or get anything from me. I am capable of great love and generosity (my inside circle knows that well). Kindness and fun are my default settings. However, I am also incredibly capable of complete and utter ambivalence.
Off you go, you little energy vampire. Peace out.
He Is More Intelligent Than I Am
For two and a half years I have been in a relationship that keeps getting better. I knnnnnow it is so dorky when someone says that, and it borders on disingenuous because people who are in shitty relationships also use that phrase to cover their tracks.
In my case, it is actually true. I get to be one of those mythological people in a happy, fulfilling, loving, and passionate relationship with someone who makes every day good.
YES!
I can’t be with someone who is less emotionally resilient, intelligent, or less complex. It simply doesn’t work. I feel like I am leading the hand of an incapable human. One that I have to explain big words to constantly? Gross. That is not a turn-on for me. It makes me feel like a parent and not an equal.
Thankfully, he is smarter than I am. Yep, you heard me correctly. My partner who has traveled the world as an IT consultant is worldly in all the best ways. He is not provincial. He loves other cultures, and like me, has an innate hunger to explore, experience, and have fun on this road called life.
Adversity Doesn’t Phase Us
Two weeks after we started dating, my employer sold the company. I was unemployed. I tried to push him back, to focus on finding a new job. He steadfastly remained and supported me. It was weird. I didn’t trust it then, but I understand now.
Last year, he unexpectedly lost his job. I felt so terrible, as I had supported him in a giant leap to the salary I knew he deserved (and a new role). We worked together for a few months until he found his new opportunity. We were frugal, cooperative, and I think I only lost my shit once, out of concern approaching Christmas. He now has a job he is thriving in, and a workplace he loves.
Adversity didn’t break us up. It showed us, that we are both cut from the same cloth. Strong. Resilient. Resourceful. We keep walking (together) no matter how tough it gets.
That is the ultimate litmus test for a relationship. Love stays. Selfish exploitative people leave. I am so grateful to have found a real man of depth, strength, and intelligence. He’s also an amazing Father too.
We Crack Each Other Up (Daily)
He gets ALL MY JOKES. To be honest with you, we are that adorable couple making faces at each other from across the room. Or when he is on the stage performing, and he winks at me, knowing I will get all clumsy and embarrassed, probably tripping over my knee-high black boots and taking out a stool or two in the process.
I look cool and collected. Inside, I am very much a self-conscious nerd. Still.
Creative talent. I think that is also something I respect tremendously, but never realized HOW important it was for me to be with a creative equal. I am #allthecreative and unless you are creative, chances are you can’t have a relationship with a creative person. We will kill you. Okay, that is an exaggeration, but I get exceedingly grumpy if you don’t allow me to write.
Consequently, when he disappears to practice for an upcoming show, I get a kiss and a smile.
Go create superstar. I gotchoo!
Someone who can master a musical instrument is someone who is intelligent and has deep emotional resonance. He was accepted into a Masters of Music program and can write, produce, and compose music with many instruments. I have my own tall, big-shouldered, strong Viking who wields some pretty cool guitars and makes them sing.
*Swoon*
He also thought it was hot that I installed my new hard drives. *shrug*
I think that is the coolest thing ever. You should see him on stage. I beam when he comes off the stage and guys walk up to him like “Dude, that was amazing!” Because they are right. He is. He really is. For the record, it was three weeks of deep conversations that made us friends. His black attire, height, long hair, beard, and huge shoulders were a BIG surprise to me. I swam in the warmth of his eyes and tried to block my attraction with profuse amounts of cider and tequila.
I don’t drink anymore. Random fact. That shit is poison.
Sometimes I question his choice of a life partner, because I feel unremarkable compared to him, creatively and otherwise. I mean… three books in Google Drive. SMH. :/ And a poetry chapbook I can’t seem to pull the trigger on.
But if you ask him, he’d tell you some shit about me being very smart, stubborn, articulate, loving, generous, an amazing cook, compulsive housecleaner, and comedian who makes him laugh with her childlike sense of humor, and behavior. He thinks I’m pretty and entertaining, and possibly smart.
Well then, aren’t we a good match? 🙂
Until The Wheels Fall Off
Working on financials together is also something that increases the strength of our intimacy. Next year, we’ll be buying a house in Austin. Belts have been tightened, and money is being saved to that goal. I personally look forward to owning a house again.
And a vegetable garden. Boy, I need to grow some tomatoes desperately. And cucumbers to make pickles. Fruit trees will do very well in Austin, Texas, with all the sun we get, pretty much perpetually throughout the year. I plan to have a cherry tree, an Envy apple variety tree, a lovely trellis with hanging strawberries, and I will try to grow other things.
While everything is bigger in Texas, that is also true for the bugs. My organic garden may feed more bugs than humans, but that will be okay with me.
A pool with a screen, so we can have “floating movie nights” with our friends. Or dodge teenagers bringing their boyfriends or girlfriends over. That is also, a lovely mental picture. Every day we work hard to the shared vision of 2025 and our next chapter.
Me: “Should we buy a house together? I don’t want to get married again, and that is a big commitment. I mean, what happens if we break up?”
B: “We’re not breaking up.”
Me: “How do you know?”
B: “I just do.”
I faked an urgent run to the bathroom because the tears were welling up. I mean, let’s not ruin my reputation as a cold, stubborn, career-driven Ice Queen, who openly shares about shitty people she has encountered on her blog. My ability to cut down single men who hit on me in bars (while he is onstage) is also legendary.
Writers have the best one-liners… honestly. Trying to be coy (or pressuring) with a writer is like bringing a spoon to a katana fight. I almost feel bad for the drunken dumb-dumbs.
Almost.
