One of the first things I noticed when I moved to Texas, was a definite increase in malicious gossip. But it was the strangest thing to observe. Where I am from, you like who you like. And if you don’t like someone, that’s okay. Just be polite. And shut your mouth. Like mannered adults do.
I thought it might be a rural Texas thing. But moving to Austin, I see that it is definitely a common trait among women. Not every woman (particularly those who originate from other states…but they know what I am talking about).
Some women talk complete smack about others and then friendly up so that they can hide their toxic traits. Phony. That’s girl behavior; not how mature, intelligent women conduct themselves. By my standards anyhow.
For some reason, a large percentage of the female population in Texas (I am sure it is elsewhere too) wants to be perceived as “liking everyone” and “being liked by everyone”. I’ve never run my life by those rules. I start open to the idea of liking and knowing everyone; when they show me bad behaviors, toxicity, and just general “yuck” I distance myself from them.
I’ve been watching this social behavior for a few years now, and kind of scratching my head. You act like you like someone, but the minute their back is turned, you are gossiping about them? Wait, what? But when you are out at a social gathering, you hug, you small talk, you go through the nuances of pretending you actually like them?
Are you afraid of being perceived as a bad person, if you do not like everyone? Or if some people do not like you? Chill out! No one is liked by everyone. It’s normal.
What does it say about you, if you are liked by some, and not by others? Welcome to the human race. That normal. What does it say about you if you cannot handle it when someone is not interested in you? Platonically or romantically? It says you have some maturing to do, and some inner work to focus on.
I think people also have a fear of what is being said about them. It bothers me a lot when someone I barely know, makes assumptions. I like to be liked too. But only by people I really like. If that makes sense.
Some people fear that people who do not warm up (or avoid them entirely) are waging an eternal assault on their reputation. Seriously, who has the time or energy for that shit? But I do know that the biggest gossips in our age group (in this area) fear that the most. Kinda like how a thief always worries about someone stealing from them.
I don’t know where this behavioral expectation comes from. I do believe in this, however:
I am not claiming to be better than anyone, but I am honest and authentic. Also blunt, to a fault. After navigating fifty years on this planet, and getting drawn into the dramatics of others, I have a boundary. If I feel like someone is disingenuous, toxic, and an energy vampire (draining)? Vaya con Dios. I have no interest in that kind of character or personality.
What if you are friends with people I like? Cool. Unless you have behaved like a complete idiot by making a scene at the bar or something (*insert long awkward stare) your name won’t come up. Because you aren’t in my periphery, you aren’t a priority, and I am not interested in wasting time or energy on your transparently desperate, and infantile attention-seeking antics.
This person needs to work on herself. And stop using the attempt to create a scene with me, as her method of getting attention or playing the victim. It’s not helping her make more friends. It makes people recoil further.
Repelling Crazy Makers
For years I taught “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron. Online to many groups of people, this twelve-week course was about enlightenment, as well as creativity. How to “shut out” negativity, and avoid something called “crazy makers”.
Julia Cameron defines a “crazy maker” as a very disruptive personality archetype. Since narcissist seems to be the label de jour, there are some facets that align. In my Canadian mother tongue, we simply call them “shit disturbers” and navigate away from them. Yuck.
Right now, life is stressful. The economy, the inflation, the politics… Jesus. The toxicity of it all and the extra burden it places on all of us can lead to burnout. More than ever, I am selective about who I spend time with. I want to feel good, and I want them to feel good when we spend time together. If either part of that equation is off, then it’s a ‘no-go’ for me.
Honestly, I have no problem coping with someone who dislikes me. Cool, we don’t fit. Hardly earth-shattering to me. I am only interested in getting to know people who have that good chemistry. I can usually decide within (3) encounters if someone is “my type of person”. And once I have made that determination, it’s not going to change.
I file you under “not my person” and move on. Quietly, because hurting someone’s feelings is the last thing I want to do. But I am not compelled to act warm, and intimately with people I don’t like. That is fake AF.
5 Reasons It is Okay to Not Like Everyone
I am going to say this loud in the hopes that it makes sense to others who struggled (like I did) with the guilt of not liking everyone. That shit works in kindergarten but mature adults do not feel compelled to like everyone. Or be liked by everyone. It’s just not this big motivator because, well, we’re not in high school anymore, are we?
It is 100% okay to like who you want, and dislike who you want based on your observations. And if you dislike someone, you have no obligation to be warm or social to them. You don’t have to be cruel either. That’s bad karma. But you can be politely dismissive. I’m actually pretty good at that now.
Why is it MORE than okay not to like everyone?
1. You Have a Limited Amount of Fucks to Give
The older I get, the more I realize my energy is not finite. There is a bucket of “fucks to give” that each of us starts every day with. You give many fucks to your job, to your close relationships, your pets, the minutia of daily life. At the end of the day, you have to reserve some fucks for yourself as well.
When you trust your judgement, and confidently remove or politely avoid people that annoy the shit out of you, you avoid spending any fucks on negativity. I scrupulously reserve those fucks now, at the age of 50. And you have to be important to me, to access them.
2. Avoid Manipulative People That Create Toxicity
Every day life is hard enough, without surrounding yourself with people who spend their Saturday’s watching “mean girls” episodes… *snort… omg… that is SOOO me*. SMH. I really think that some people who never bloomed socially, make the worst adults. They never learned the skills to create lasting and meaningful relationships.
I do know that unhappy people, struggle to understand why they are lonely or unhappy. And humans go one of two directions with this. They either do the self-reflection, look at their lives, and decide what they need to change to be happier. Or they try to hang around happy people, hoping that some of it will rub off on them by proxy? *shrug*
Unhappy people want to assimilate as happy people, but they ultimately hate happy folks. So what do they do? Cause dramatic scenes. Gossip and lie about the individual. Thinking that they are somehow uniting people who dislike the same people. Weird. Some people do act that way, defined by that sense of “my side her side” emotional tug of war.
If you believe gossip or a lie that is told to you about me, from someone who constantly lies and gossips (about everyone), then please enjoy the narrative. You aren’t smart enough to be my kind of person either. 😉 And please, don’t come running to me when you get into fights with the people you’ve been dissing about me with. It’s really hard to contain my laughter, and not share.
3. Focus on People Who Make You Happy
Some people are just a delight to know, aren’t they? You laugh, you feel instantly at ease with them. And no one has a bad thing to say about them. Because that person is well-behaved, confident, mature, and vibes with radiant social energy.
I fucking love people like that, and they draw me in quickly. I can feel authenticity or the lack thereof.
By avoiding and removing people who I dislike from my periphery, not only is there less discord, but more happy social opportunities. Nothing drags down the vibe of a social event faster than a brat who is a complete gossiping asshat, attempting to get attention constantly. They are a distraction, and can really make a fun outing shitty, fast.
But cutting that type of person out of your social circles means that you can focus on the nice folks. The ones you are interested in knowing more about. And creating memories that are warm, and friendly, with those you like the most.
4. Circle of Trust
Shallow extroverts, or malicious introverts trying to act like extroverts, cause problems constantly. But they want to so desperately be perceived as “popular”. WTF is popular in the context of being in your forties or fifties? Normal folks outgrow that shit. Damaged people, continue to seek that validation. I’ve never been Miss Popular and I kind of pride myself on that. 🙂
I like keeping my circle of acquaintances large (always open to knowing people and having fun). My circle of people I call friends, who I trust emphatically, is small. But I know they are the folks that would have my back if I wasn’t in the room, you know? And they can also trust that I am that kind of friend too. I’m a pitbull when it comes to protecting people I care about. I AM LOYAL.
Come at me with malicious gossip, or rumors about someone I love? I will shut you down in a heartbeat. Bluntly. Possibly with more directness than you are accustomed to. Shut yo mouth! They mean something to me. You don’t. Take your malicious gossip elsewhere, asshole.
5. It Protects Your Mental Health
Ever notice how the great shit disturbers are constantly in one or more dramatic situations? And then paint themselves as a victim? No, you are a perpetrator of your own toxic situation. And if you get yourself over your head in your own bullshit, don’t come to me for a lifeline. Drown in your own dysfunction. You earned that shit.
God negative people are so draining. After my divorce, I got good at defining my boundaries. I am actually an empath, so I truly absorb what other people are going through. For that reason, I realized that I couldn’t be around certain types. Specifically, toxic people. They stress me out because I see all the nuances of their behavior. The little lies, the games, the manipulations. Because I don’t roll that way, I find it stressful to watch when it plays out around me.
The fewer toxic people I have in my world, the happier, more focused, and more energetic I am. I used to tolerate all the toxic, from many people I met when I moved to Texas. God, I wanted to be liked, and accepted so badly! That opened me up to exploitation, pain, and deep sadness.
My limit is now ZERO. I love myself too much to permit that kind of deliberate emotional chaos in my world. I have a peaceful life, and a fun one. I feel blessed by the few close friends I have made here in Austin. I feel even more blessed to have recognized the kind of personality types I dislike. And taken the steps to avoid them, for my own peace of mind.
Not Everyone’s Cup of Tea (And Very Cool With That)
Being a confident extrovert, I am quite used to not being everyone’s cup of tea. Just as I don’t like everyone, I do not have the ludicrous expectation that everyone must like me. Friends are friends. Acquaintances are fun to adventure with, especially if they have a kind, honest, and open disposition. Maybe they grow to be friends, maybe not. But they are positively fun to be around!
Honestly, I have no problem coping with someone who dislikes me. Cool, we don’t fit. Hardly earth-shattering to me. I am only interested in getting to know people who have that good chemistry. I can usually decide within (3) encounters if someone is “my type of person”. And once I have made that determination, it’s not going to change. I file you under “erm… mmkay” and move on.
The scenes in public do not embarrass me, they make her look manipulative, emotionally unstable, and desperate. And perhaps she is, but that is clearly “her problem”. No, it’s not going to change. Yes, my reasons are legit (but I don’t need to rehash them constantly).
But if she lacks the skill to make close, trusting long-term relationships with others? She’s going to be lonely a lot. Poor thing must be getting frustrated that all the “scenes” she likes to create are not helping her case one bit. It is giving others who MAY be interested in knowing her, an accurate preview of her toxic tendencies.
Bless her heart. 😉 And stuff.
I don’t do toxic people. But I am sure you’ll get some mileage out of this post, to support your victim narrative. See?! I am nice after all. 🙂 Enjoy.
