Have you ever dated an empath? If you are imagining a faint patchouli scent, pictures of Buddha, candles, and meditation? You may be on the right path. Empaths are deep feeling and spiritual humanists. Not necessarily religious (but they can be). The secret to identifying an empath is knowing what is in their heart.
Now, empaths can take a variety of different personality shapes. If you are thinking that every empath you encounter is a pushover, guess again. In fact, empaths are so likely to get screwed in friendships, family relationships, and in the romantic arena, that can appear tough on the outside. But regardless of the shell, if you scratch the surface, you are going to find a soft, sweet, and squishy middle. No matter how hard they try to hide it.
Over time, empaths learn some adaptive strategies. Imagine going through life as this snuggly, love muffin that wants to save everyone, help everyone, and give everything they have? Unselfishly. Building walls for most people may feel unhealthy. But for empaths, it can be a necessity. And even with those walls, we get eviscerated on the regular.
The Power to Take Down Walls Can Create Loneliness for Empath
The walls are bad. Ask any therapist and they will tell you that walls may feel like effective protection. When in reality, walls can also block out the light. And human warmth, acceptance, and trust. Even though empaths are loving people, they can find themselves exploited constantly.
How do people with so much human intuition, find themselves in toxic relationships? That’s a big mystery if you are an empath. After all, shouldn’t you be able to trust yourself? That high-powered telescope that you view the world through, should be able to provide insights into your own romantic choices. Right? RIGHT?
Well, much like a psychic who can’t pick good lottery numbers, it kind of works the same way. We get hunches and red flags like any human. But because we prefer to see the best in people, we often try to ignore them. Sometimes, we can even make those red flags disappear. And that’s because we are relationship-oriented. We want to be 50% of something awesome… so often, we’ll compromise in the hopes of having a lasting, quality relationship.
And then boy do we feel stupid after sh*t blows up. Spectacularly. Because those red flags we claim to have never noticed? Oh boy, they come rushing back with clarity. And as much pain, as we encounter in toxic relationships, we are as much to blame as the second party. They may have done us harm by exploiting us; we chose to allow it.
That’s an a$$ kick that can be hard to accept. But it’s true nonetheless.
1. An Empath Will Always Put Your Needs Before Their Own
Are there really humans that will put their own personal needs second? Of course, there are. Parents do it all the time for their kids, right? The good ones, anyhow. When you have a deep connection with someone or familial love, you want to protect them. Help them. Make them feel good.
Empaths are givers. Like, chronic givers. Ever meet someone who takes on your problems like they are their own? Ding! Empath. Because the rest of the world would default to “not my circus, not my monkeys”. If you are liked very much or loved by an empath? Your stress is their stress. Your joy also brings them joy. And when your back is against a wall, the empath is right there with you. Ready to help you fight out of that spot that has you cornered.
But empaths can have a big problem letting other people help them. Or admitting they need help. And that trait is brought to you by… painful past relationships. I’ll help you, but I will take care of myself thanks. I know I can trust myself to be strong, resilient, and loyal. Trusting others to that extent can be a crap shoot. I’d rather stick with known variables as part of my risk-averse operating system.
2. They Are Non-Judgemental About Your Past
Do you have a story and a history that reads something like an emotional tragedy? Many people on a healing journey, hesitate to share the things that broke them. That can be an illness, an accident, or loss, like a bereavement. But frequently, the injury comes from a toxic relationship. Or more than one.
And many people want to hide those injuries. After all, who wants to be labeled “the walking wounded” anyhow? It’s not cool to be vulnerable. It’s not okay to have a failed marriage (or two). [Insert sad face]. I met an interesting woman at a bar during a live music event. We chatted on the patio. I mentioned how embarrassed I was to have TWO failed marriages. She told me she was on her fourth husband. I. Shut. My. Mouth.
Maybe I am not a pure-bred empath. Because I judged the holy hell out of her after she told me. I just didn’t vocalize it. But I won’t lie, it did make me feel better about being a two-time strikeout at the altar. More than a little. She was in good company with people like Zsa Zsa Gabor, Nicolas Cage, Mickey Rooney, Larry King, and Joan Crawford.
3. Empaths Have a Positive and Nurturing Energy
Have you ever been in a relationship with someone where you feel so good around them? Not just the sensual attraction, and fun, or humor they bring to your life. Something deeper. Like they vibrate energy that is delicious. Accepting, warm, embracing, loyal, and always caring.
Empaths have a lot of that loving energy. But the weird thing is that they are more ‘turned on’ by spending that energy on other people. They love to love people they care about. They can be very selective (and need to be) with regards to who they let into their life. Because it’s basically an invitation to the ultimate “love buffet”.
Ready for the sad part? Empaths rarely find other empaths to have romantic relationships with. So, with the one-directional outpouring of affection and devotion, comes a real risk of burnout for the empath. You see, they don’t spend that energy on caring for themselves. Self-care and self-prioritization are frequently a challenge for them. Remember, they are gratified by helping (and healing) other people. And creating happiness for those they care deeply about.
What happens when an empath burns out? They have no more energy to give anyone (and little on reserve for themselves). That is when you find they withdraw. They can become reclusive. Many empaths are surprisingly extroverted (not introverted). And when they pull in, it is noticed. But only because the services they provide #AllTheLoves are disrupted. “Hey! Where is my daily/weekly injection of affectionate care from my reliable empath?”
Only time, space, and self-care recharges an empath. And while they are trying to recharge, the demands for their time and attention usually continue unaltered. That can create feelings of exploitation and hostility, in even the most gentle and giving of empathic souls.
4. They Are Experts at Dodging Personal Inquiry
What does it look like, when an empath is avoiding personal questions? Sorry, that is a personal question I refuse to answer. 🙂 Now let’s talk about something else. Let’s talk about you. I’m fine.
Once an empath trusts you, however, look out! They aren’t going to hold anything back. They don’t feel the need to. And it’s not about dominating the conversation, or anything negative. They have a need to understand others, but be understood by the people they are intimate with. And they figure, the more they tell you, the better you will know them. And maybe see the good things that add value to your day.
Listening to an empath is better than intercourse. Almost better. Sometimes better. Sometimes they will combine the two. And if an empath is happy, they will be lit up, funny, conversational, deep thinking, and playful with you. A sign that you have earned their trust.
5. Empaths Won’t Demand Your Time (or Affection)
The givers of givers, don’t make many demands. If you are dating an empath, they are always down to see you. Let’s go! Yessssss… snuggles! Or laughter. Or fun. But for the most part, if you are the type of person that wants to be chased for a relationship, guess what? An empath is more likely to withdraw and ghost your a$$.
We don’t do that. But one thing we can be guilty of is push-pull tactics. We don’t mean to play head games and frankly, we hate them being played on us. But by the time an empath finds a great relationship potential? They have been burned more than marshmallows on a camping trip.
The pendulum can swing from “I like you” “I like you” “I like you” … to “If you are busy I understand” or sometimes self-sabotaging behaviors that nix a good thing before it has had a chance to evolve. And nurture the empath in return. The rationale can be “better to cut the cord myself, rather than wait for them to do it”. It is about control. But not the way you think.
Empaths don’t want to control you. They want to control how much you will hurt them. And sometimes they’d rather pack it up and walk away from something that might be a good thing. Or a great thing, actually. Good things when you are used to bad sh*t, can be more terrifying. You never miss a bad person leaving your life. You can mourn the loss of a great friend or love interest when you know it was good.
If someone is going to pull the rug out from under me, I would prefer if it was myself. The logic behind that is that it should hurt less. The reality is that it does not. We’re pretty much screwed either way. And that’s why very few people like dating an empath. We’re just as likely to nix a good thing, as we are to exorcise a bad or emotionally draining relationship.
Building a Healthy Relationship With an Empath
If you are dating an empath, it’s not a terminal condition. In fact, they can be treasures. Particularly if you are not used to open affection, loyalty, humor, and the bright warm light that an empath can bring to your world. They aren’t fragile; you’d be surprised how strong an empath can be. Chalk that up to “once bitten twice shy” and therein lies the problem.
Because just as empaths give everything they’ve got to build a happy relationship, they need reassurances that some other personality types do not. We’re not talking about planning the china pattern for a wedding here. Or trying to hasten into a serious relationship too quickly. Empaths, for all their love-bunny-ness, rarely want to rush into any romantic engagement. They are constantly calculating the risk factors, and sometimes, the fallout of negative outcomes.
So, what does an empath need to stay in a positive relationship? There are a few essentials:
- Alone time to recharge. This isn’t a reflection of their affection for you. Or any desire to spend less time with you. Consider the bright warm energy as requiring space, time and solitude to recharge to full capacity. Otherwise you’ll be dealing with an emotionally exhausted partner, who will force that space on you, if you don’t allow them to periodically retreat.
- Do things outside with them. A walk or hike in the woods, surrounded by terpenes, and the positive energy of earth, air, water and nature? Ahhhh… you’ll see it in their face and demeanor. Nothing recharges a tired empath more than being outside, in quiet natural places. They will literally glow from the inside out. And appreciate you for it.
- They will avoid draining people. Empaths are drama adverse. They are extra sensitive to manipulative people, gossips, or malicious personalities. They can hide their disdain quite well (avoiding an argument), and that takes a lot of extra energy. If the empath you are dating wants to avoid certain people, it is not that they are disagreeable. It’s because the toxicity of the negative energy can take them down. And they want to insulate themselves from it.
- Understand that the sensitivities of the empath also provide that ooey goey goodness that you enjoy in your relationship. The passion, the tenderness, the humor and general down-to-earth goodness of an empath is very desireable. The flip side of those ‘goodies’ is sensitivity. Not fragility. They can be strong MF’ers but don’t try to coach them into being less sensitive. Or criticize them for it. It’s in their DNA. They will always take things “too personally” because that is who they are. Love them for that depth of caring.
Have you ever dated an empath? What challenges did you face in your relationship? I would love to hear your thoughts, so leave a comment below.
