I am the only person I know, who is busier now that I am unemployed than when I was employed. Funny, but true. I have been awarded a couple of projects that I was grateful to receive. And finalizing an ebook project for my former employer (and his new business).
Freelance work is the stop-gap in this income lull. So I got straight to work to make sure bills would be paid. Unemployment is paltry and won’t do the trick. Strategically, I dove into my freelancing once again. Under the pressure of course, due to the unexpected takeover and job loss. With no time to ramp up my freelance clients before the trap door opened, and “it” got real.
I am doing well. Was and is there anxiety? Of course. But I have put that into a little box, and duct-taped it shut. I’ll look back on this period as “that sucked” but also “I got through it”. And I will. I’m smart, resourceful, strong, and my skills are in high demand. And there is also part of me that whispers…”You’ve had enough bad things happen, it’s your turn for the good stuff”. I keep hoping that will be fulfilled.
The Ice Storm of 2022
I have friends and family back home in Canada. To them? This ice storm is laughable. When Ontario shuts down because of Winter, it is usually because of three feet of snow. Or more. And freezing rain is just part of what you go through, when you live in the North East. You are raised on it.
But if you have ever wondered why Texas ‘loses their shite’ during a snowstorm, consider we are subtropical. That means our power grid (infamously failed last year, and we’re pretty nervous about that). Also, the houses we own or rent, aren’t weatherproofed the way they are back home. Less insulation because it gets so hot down here. The last thing builders want to do is enclose you in an oven, in the fairer months, right?
Consequently, a dip low into the temperatures, and we are actually cold in our homes. The window panes are different. Most people don’t actually have a fireplace or woodstove. If the power goes out, stuff gets real fast. How do you stay warm? I was in that exact situation in my previous home last year. Watching the thermostat go below 20F was terrifying. I had four dogs and a cat too. Luckily, we were able to be sheltered. After a couple of days of hypothermia.
Now we have very similar conditions. This time, less snow and more ice. I parked my car carefully on Wednesday night. The last thing I need is some dude slamming into my vehicle. Because like other things, Texans aren’t good at ice or snow. And that includes the reckless driving I have watched out my window today. So far, two accidents right outside my door. I have to go to the pharmacy. I am thinking about walking there tomorrow. Safer.
Mind Over Matter and Dwelling in Gratitude
Okay so, as I mentioned, I have the option of feeling sorry for myself. It’s not me. But I am tired, and part of that I am sure is the stress of the situation. Because however, I believe in “mind over matter” and the power of positive thinking, I am mastering the ability to retrain my thoughts. Not so easy for someone with ADHD, but it is a muscle I have been trying to build for the past two years.
Don’t think about what is wrong, think about what is right. Think about your blessings and the things you have accomplished. Think about the plans you have in the future, but also the plans you have for this weekend too. They are good. As long as the darned ice goes away. I hope it does.
Because these warm thoughts have been sustaining me, in a cold house. One that the landlord refused to fix repeatedly. Painters tape is around all the gaps in the screen door and front door. The house foundation shifted. So I took action on Tuesday night and sealed them up. It doesn’t look pretty, but it did the trick.
There are five fundamental things I am grateful for:
- Contract Work
I don’t know how to survive without a paycheck. But I haven’t been in this position in my life before. Always a step ahead and preparing. And also, prior to some difficult years of health emergencies, rocking a pretty decent savings account. At least, before I moved to Texas and got married.
So I didn’t have the safety net I should have had. That I would normally have. I own that. But I did my best in very difficult financial circumstances. I forgive myself. If nothing else, this scramble is reminding me how important savings really are. I like to feel safe. I hate feeling vulnerable. This will be the catharsis for many good things, including a goal to get a large sum of savings back into my account, as soon as possible.
January is a slow month for job search. It is also a slow month for freelance work. Organizations are busy building strategies and plans and don’t know what resources they will need. Yet. Many freelancers I know take the month of January off. Do some self-marketing, but stay pretty chill. Knowing that by the end of February, they are usually swamped with more work than they can manage.
I am grateful for the skills I have that allow me to freelance. I worked hard on them, and my professional reputation. And this has taught me that my business is more reliable than a salaried job. I will be a hybrid worker going forward. Focus on the day job, but allocate some time to earning freelance. It will expedite the rebuild of my savings. And it will make me feel like this particular scenario would (and should) never happen again.
Huzzah smart girl… make yourself financially bulletproof! And I will.
2. My Dogs
These mutts though. These spoiled little critters I love so much. Each one of the five is full of love, personality, and joy. Each fur child is so different. They make me laugh every day. And at night, when that feeling of being alone and sometimes scared creeps in? I have these warm little bodies that snuggle in. I feel reassured, loved, and not alone.
Yeah, they are expensive. Sure, they take up a lot of my energy. But four of the five were rescues. I saved four lives. And gave Mia a great home despite her diva-like qualities. She’s hilarious. We run the house together. My little alpha female keeps the boys in line. And chunks some attitude to testing my leadership from time to time.
Drop. That. Slipper. NOW! Little bugger… I have five little clowns that are great for my anxiety. Distract me from my worries. And ground me in the present tense. Also, they eat a lot of my food when I do try to eat something. I consider them part of my weight-loss and calorie reduction plan.
3. My Friends and Family
Timing is everything in life, isn’t it? I haven’t been home in Canada since May 2014. How would you be, after eight years of being unable to hug your family and friends? During that time I lost two family members. And could not attend their funerals. Or say goodbye to them in person, as I wanted to. As they needed me to. It still hurts.
When stuff goes catastrophically wrong, you want to be close to people who love you. My mom. My sister. My best friend. An overnight stay at any one of their homes would recharge my batteries. Make me sleep one night feeling completely safe, loved, known, and protected. By the time the stupid clerical issue with immigration was resolved (September 2019) and I had my green card and was authorized to go home? Bad stuff started happening in the marriage (worse than before). And then Covid-19 struck, and borders closed. And I was hospitalized for Covid.
Eight years without a tribe. Without being around people who truly saw, and loved me. And working desperately as I did to keep the cash flowing into our sinking, dysfunctional marriage, I couldn’t make the time to invest in friendships. I tried. The small Texas town wasn’t big on smart folks. Or people who hated The Kardashians (but got excited about small business growth, websites, and Xbox games). I fit in like a black thumb.
Since December 2021 however, I emerged from my social coma. Cautiously. Invited by a social group on Facebook. I was brave. Almost threw up the first time I walked into a bar to meet some of them, solo. I like meeting new people. I am paralyzed about walking into an unfamiliar place. I actually had a panic attack that first time, and was late as a result.
I know Diane… I am always late. But here is the revelation I just figured out… a lot of that is my anxiety! Do I look okay? Will I fit in? Will they like me? Will they be nasty or rude or catty? Am I safe? Will one of them get out of hand and be too aggressive with me (male wise)?
I have new friends. And a supportive social group I cherish. I am grateful for the fun and companionship they bring to my life. If not in person at events, then on Facebook every day. Where we laugh, share, support, and meme war to my heart’s great content. That feels really good.
4. A Special Someone
The I.T. genius, humanist, world traveler, and brilliant musician? The after-school-special start to our “feels” is still in the picture. So much in the picture that if I allow myself, I could think about him all day. But, we are disciplined professionals who have responsibilities. We have settled into a flow that I think is working well for us both.
There will be weeks where I won’t see him much at all. Tantrum? Not in the least. You see, this amazing human is a father of three little girls. And if you know anything about me at all? Kids come first. In fact, I wouldn’t date a man who put me ahead of his children. Kids are my heart. Kids will always come first in my world. Including the twins, who I miss terribly.
He is a man that juggles his responsibilities like a professional. I admire that. Respect it. Can we be two busy people and still have a meaningful relationship? You betchya! Because like me, when it is my turn to spend time with him, I have his focus. As he has mine. Calls, and instant messages keep us connected daily. I love hearing he is thinking of me, as much as I think about him. But you know, I’m trying to be cool.
I hold back sometimes not because I am overwhelmed. I hold back because I am having a hard time processing that he is real. There are two experiences that snuff out my anxiety, and bring my mind and soul into a place of warmth and peace. One of them is being on or near water. I am a water nymph, or elemental. I love trees, rocks, and water and they soothe me. So does a crackling fire. Samesies.
And his arms. When we are laying together we “melt” into each other. His arms wrap around me. I put my head on his chest. So odd for me to struggle to explain it, while I visualize the perfect tranquility of those moments in my memory. There is something between us that I can’t explain, but don’t really care that it remains inexplicable either. It feels amazing. The chemistry is uncommon and beautiful. I literally, light up when I see him. And his kisses send me interplanetary.
I don’t know how long this will last. But I already know that I don’t want to fathom the end of it. Also unusual for the girl that says “everything has an expiration date” right? There is an unspoken kinship between us that is so rare. I feel very lucky I get to spend time with him. He soothes my soul, lights my body on fire, and turns my brain into fireworks of stutters, and stammers, and red-faced humble moments where I just don’t know what to say. Outwardly. But inwardly, my mind is saying… “I like you so much. Please stay awhile. You make me feel so alive and known.”
And from that happy place, my muse (while exhausted by circumstances) could not be happier. Words are flowing. Which is an indication that this amazing human being… is definitely my flavor. How lucky am I?
5. My Health
No job in the United States also means (wait for it) no health insurance. God, this is the first time since I arrived in 2014 when I haven’t had them. Not to fret. The jobs I am applying for all have benefits (unlike my past employer). And that’s good because I was paying $600 per month privately for mine. That will be another blessing of my next work opportunity.
Aware that now would be THE WORST time to get sick, I am caring for myself. Moderating my stress levels with meditation. Taking all my vitamins and pills. Sleep is a little disrupted right now. Stress will do that to you. But otherwise, I have been walking, working out, doing yoga, and working on a Zen state of mind. One that will facilitate the leap I have to make to get things job-related back on track.
I’m eating low-carb. Cooking healthy. Practicing daily mindfulness. I don’t have your typical supportive protective parents that some people have to lean on. My sister has been amazing though. Very tender and compassionate with me. I have appreciated that shift, in the little sister watching out for the big sister (even though it is abnormal for us). Sometimes you have to let people you care for all the time, give that support back to you. I am trying. I am the giver. I am also the guarded taker (if I take at all). I need to work on that though. Allow people to be there for me. Other than Diane. She could use the help 😉 managing me all the time.
Let’s Get This Storm Over With For Pete’s Sake
My dogs were like NOPE! I tried to take them out three times yesterday, and they wouldn’t budge. Damn it. So I placed dog pads all over the house. Hoping to control the ensuing mess they would make without their 4x daily walk in the new frozen tundra of Texas.
Not going to lie (ever)… it’s a mess. I am picking up and stepping on spots with towels, and cleaning up constantly. I will wait until Friday afternoon to shampoo all the rugs (again, my weekly chore). As I tidy up the place in the hopes that the ice storm doesn’t cancel culture the one thing that has got me through this week; is my date plans for Saturday. All. Day. Fella. 🙂 Movies. Snuggles. Conversations, and a big ham roast in the fridge. I love having someone to cook for again. I hate eating alone.
Fingers crossed, the ice goes away and makes roads accessible. Texas is schizophrenic weather-wise. It could be 72F on Saturday after this Artic weather. There is no consistency here in the Austin area or anywhere in the state really when it comes to weather. So please, let that work to my advantage.
In my mind’s eye, among the hard work I am doing on projects right now, is that moment of tranquility. Hearing him breathe. Melting into each other’s arms. Those kisses! Those eyes that are so wise, and intelligent and yet so warm and kind. I swim in them but say nothing. But part of me knows he can see it in my face. And feel it, on my lips when I kiss him.
In the midst of adversity lies opportunity. I believe in that, and the flow of catharsis before the great positive change. I remain diligent, hopeful, hardworking, organized, calm, and actionable. Asking the Universe for just a little bit of luck, to get things back on track. There is a beautiful romantic life developing over here. And I want to enjoy that.
And find a great company, who will appreciate my work and devotion. And reward me for my talent. Another family to be part of, and commit myself to excellence and positive things at work, and in my personal life.
The power is flickering again… please no. I put blankets and a couple pillows in the car, just in case that is where we may have to sleep. Thank God I have a full tank of gas. But even when stuff isn’t perfect, I have to tell you… I feel even more alive right now that I have in years. Because I am.
