The Midlife Debutante Random Thoughts Life and Other Things You Can’t Control

Life and Other Things You Can’t Control


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Last Wednesday I was feeling great. The job was stressful, but one I loved, and while I know I was being paid less than many of my colleagues, I really felt blessed by it. In the midst of a pandemic, making six figures from home is a gift from the Universe. Particularly as I have seen so many talented, hardworking people lose their jobs.

After coming home late that night, after spending time with someone, I was content. It had been so long since someone went to the trouble to cook for me. I felt warm and touched at the gesture. I talk to the Universe like a paternal figure. God, the Universe, whatever you believe in. I am Agnostic. Reverent to the idea that there are forces around us that influence our lives.

I felt happy. That is not a new feeling for me, but I felt very happy. The holiday had taken a bigger bite out of me than I let on. Missing my stepsons, and the first Christmas without a family here in Texas, my heart was heavy. It was mediated only by another blessing. I connected to a local social group and have been meeting amazing people. Having great conversations. Doing fun things. And that was filling the holes in my need to be around other human beings. Nice ones.

Appreciating the Happy Feeling of Things Going Right (For a Change)

I was stopped at a light, and a couple tears blinked down my cheek. Good things were happening for me socially, after being in a social coma and toxic environment for more than seven years. Rejected instead of accepted by my “new family”. But loved mightily by some, including my step-sons and their Mother. I got that right. #FamilyforLife

New friends that make me laugh. Sometimes, I get to show them what kind of person I am. The kind that will not run away when you are in a dark room. When your life falls around you, I open that door to that room. Because if I care about you, I will walk into that room with a candle. And I will sit with you, until the darkness passes. I have enough light to share. And my heart sometimes seeks out people who need that light.

Because there are a few people, who did and do that for me. I don’t stay in that room very long. But when I am in there, I hear their voice. I feel their hand on my shoulder. Gently reminding me I am not alone, even in the worst of times. And that is everything I need to stand again.

Some people say “Throw me to the wolves and I will come back leading the pack”. Yeah, that’s me. But what you don’t know is that I fall down like everyone else. And my soulmates, friends, and family who love me, know how to nudge me back to the light that is always inside me. Hope. Strength. Acceptance. And courage to start over.

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Loneliness Is the Enemy of My Heart

I remember sitting in a living room full of boxes on May 30th, 2021. Fesh with the hope of a new beginning. Happy to be free of the toxicity of my marriage. But I cried, sitting in the living room. I had moved by myself. Had to hire a few men to help me mount things (I suck at power tools) like my flat-screen TVs.

Loneliness is a dark figure. It came walking in the front door like a shadow and sat on the floor beside me. It stared into my eyes and suddenly I felt cold all over.

Lonely: “Sup girl, oh look, you are in a room of boxes by yourself again”.

Me: “STFU. Alone is better than miserable and scared.”

Lonely: “Mmmkay, tell yourself that. But how come you end up alone all the time? Ever think about that?”

Me: “I guess I am supposed to be alone. And maybe I won’t try again.”

Lonely: “Probably a good idea, since you clearly suck at relationships”.

Me: “Maybe I suck at picking partners, but not relationships?”

Lonely: “Nah, it’s you”.

I hit Lonely in the head with a pillow and told him to go find a corner to stand in. Timeout. Because if I keep talking to that MF, everything stops. Everything hurts, and I begin to doubt my self-worth. And the capacity for happiness. And then Self-Love walked in through the front door.

Self-Love: “Hey girl, how you doing?”

Me: “Been better”.

Self-Love: “It can’t rain all the time… the sky won’t fall forever”.

My tried and true karaoke song. And the theme song when I feel so low, that breathing hurts. Those moments where my world is shattered. Where love let me down. And everything good I did resulted in me, alone in a room of boxes. With no one to put an arm around me and tell me it’s going to be okay.

Self-Love never lets me down. And she doesn’t just light a candle in the dark. She pours gas on the bonfire. And reminds me that resilience is a choice. And so is a success, and happiness in life. All things are achievable if I keep that light burning. So I do. Fall down once, get up twice. Even when I am not sure how I am going to stand, I do. Because I owe that to myself. To keep searching for my happiness every day. Even if it is a small moment alone, in self-love and peace.

Life Happens and the Secure High-Paying Job Went Away Without Warning

Imagine, you have a high-paying job and in twenty-four hours it is gone. No severance. No warning. I know what you are thinking, I should have had more savings. But emerging from my divorce, I used the proceeds from the house to pay off almost everything. I had to move, get into the new place, buy things to reestablish myself. Then I had dental work (crowns) that cost a fortune. They weren’t an option. I’m walking around with a $10k mouth… how hot is that?

I was frugal and responsible. My former apparently blew through his money in two weeks. With nothing to show for it. So, there’s that. I did it correctly. And I had let my clients go because, to be honest, my day job was so demanding I didn’t have the energy to keep side clients. And do it to the best of my ability. I won’t charge someone for work that is not my best. And my day job (ask Diane) was eating me alive. Most weeks, I was working 7-days per week and about 14 hour days just to keep up. The only content professional in a company whose whole product, was writing. And graphic designer. And influence marketing. And creating sales manuals and brand campaigns and promos.

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It was a lot. I was a superstar, but at a cost. I was exhausted all the time. And I was a little in emotional shock too. Ending my marriage was the right decision, but it broke my heart. And missing the children I had helped raise for ten years? Well, that almost ended me. My life felt empty (again). So I just worked. Walked my dogs. Cleaned my house like a psychotic, and avoided dating for the most part. I really self-isolated to try to heal myself.

The acquisition was incoming. But for the past month, it looked like it wasn’t going to happen. There were even plans for the year in place, assuming the buyout wasn’t going to go through. And so, I let my guard down. Then last Thursday, we got the announcement by email and immediate termination notice.

And the blocks of my life, that were just starting to flourish and be happy again (friends, and new romantic interest) tumbled down with it. How would you cope if you knew this week’s pay was your last? Terrified doesn’t come close. And after sacrificing SO MUCH for the company, I fell into an emotional shock.

Why when I think everything is going right for a change, does this happen to me? The truth is, it can happen to anyone, anytime. I put the company first. And that was my reward. I was supposed to be acquired with the new large corporation; I was not. Disaster.

Heading Into the Dark Room to Think About the Circumstance

That night, a few people reached out to me. And for that, I am grateful. Thursday night inside, the voices of the inner critic and self-defeatist were strong. But I moderated them. Managed to suppress most of it. Because, when you are an adult you realize your problems are your own. And you can rely only on yourself, to fix them.

Just the same, as someone with GAD and ADHD, when I am upset, I need to vent it. And talking to me in this state is like a conversation on repeat. That’s how I process things. I have to cycle it. That is my emotional shock response. And while my mouth is going ninety miles an hour, my brain is already working on solutions. Usually, after a sleep and into a fresh new day, I have a strategy and plan that will work.

But a lot of people will stand back from someone in crisis. I had this conversation with a cute guy in my complex. His name is Luis, and he has a white dog named Luna. He is the survivor of a very bad marriage and hostile divorce. He is an IT dude, and we have great conversations, although I don’t feel that special ZING! with him. So we have become friends.

Luis pulled over his car yesterday in the parking lot as I was heading to the dog park.

Me: “Hey dude, how are you?”

Luis: “I’m on my way to a therapy group. We’re doing ‘The Artists Way”.

Me: “Oh, that is bomb! I used to teach “The Artists Way” in Second Life. To other writers and creatives. It is really rehabilitative. How are your morning pages going?”

Luis: “Really well. I stopped because you look sad. You okay Lo?”

[I thought about the question for a second before answering]

Me: “Not yet, but I am getting there. Lost my job without notice because of an M&A.”

Luis: “Girl, that sucks. I am so sorry. You don’t deserve that.”

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Me: “Nobody does, but $hit happens, right?”

Luis: “You going to be okay?”

Me: “Yep. Got 50 resumes out for great jobs remote and in Austin. Kicking up my freelancing. Thankfully I get vacation pay and a project payout so I’ll be fine financially until March 1st. But that gives me a running start to earn in the next five weeks with projects so that March is good too. If I haven’t found a job yet.”

Luis: “You inspire me. You’re so strong”.

Me: “Living in my car isn’t an option lol!”

Luis: “You can do it. And I know someone is going to hire you quickly.”

Me: “Thanks dude, I needed to hear that. Hey, you should come the next time I go to the Round Rock social club events. You’d probably meet a hot chick and some new friends. And I love talking to you.”

We’ve been dog walk buddies since I moved in. And sometimes I get the feeling that he would absolutely love it if I showed that interest. But I just don’t feel that way about it. The spark isn’t there. But I would love to see my new friend well-loved by a nice girl. He’s great.

New Day and New Opportunities Aka: Get Yo Butt in Gear Woman and Fix Stuff

Knowing that I had the extra money coming in was a blessing. Five weeks to burn and earn, and hopefully, find a great new job. Or at the very least, scale-up my freelancing to cover bills until that job happens. I can do it. I have many many times before.

A message came through on LinkedIn from a friend in India. I have worked with him for over twelve years and helped him establish his first agency. He was screwed over by his former partner and had to start all over again. He and I have that in common. Hard work and diligence, reward, and then life likes to snatch it away and make things difficult again. We are both, comrades. And veritable phoenix souls, rising from the ashes every time to kill it.

Resilience is a choice.

I found out Thursday. Dispaired. Stressed. Friday I was exhausted. Had a nice date and distraction. But didn’t sleep well that night. Saturday I shut it all down. Canceled my plans. Hit the couch with my dogs. I started reading a new book. Watched “Apocalypse Now: Redux” because I have a dark sense of humor. By the way, that unedited cut? WOAH!

I chatted on Facebook. Loved on my dogs. Did a facial mask. Then I did a foot mask. I had a couple of cookies and milk. Meditated. Confirmed that the acquisition did not include a new role for me in the company. Fine. Settled back on the couch. Kissed my dogs. And relaxed.

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By Sunday morning I received a message from a client/colleague/friend in India. Oh boy, did he have some work for me? Tons of it. COOL! I have a head start on freelancing and will apply for unemployment. And I know a great (and probably better job with benefits) will be just around the corner.

Going to the dog park this morning. Then the gym (because I’ll be going daily now that I am off). Maybe by the summer with some more weight off, I will be the kind of cute that garners the attention that maybe I should want (but don’t actually want). I want to be hot. I want to be fit and healthy. And I want to be financially secure again. And I will.

See how quickly things can change?

I looked in the corner of my living room, and there was Self-Love. She was BEAMING! She had also duct-taped the mouth of Lonely. STFU! What matters is me. My health. My happiness. My sleep. My nutrition. My dogs. My friends. And my success as a happy, human being with a well-rounded professional and personal life.

Lookout 2022… I’m running the show. And this year is going to be legend!

Flame on. I’m glowing this morning again. And it feels great.

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