I ran into a nice lady at the dog park on my lunch. I didn’t actually take my lunch until 5:00 p.m. It was a busy day of editing some work I had written. Community management of patients. And a super long strategic meeting to formulate our content strategy for 2022.
Haz brain drain.
I feel more than a little isolated. I have more than one monitor, so I keep my eye on social chat for my company. And our patient forum. And what my friends and family are saying on social. When I am writing, I shut it all down. And focus on silence and being creative. Doing the research for some compelling content about health. And cannabis.
I did start some important internal work this weekend. And I thought, well, I can’t date right now. Someone suggested that I shouldn’t. More than one person suggested that I shouldn’t. And because I hurt someone (even though I made a clear case of my lack of wanting to be in a committed, stifling, smothering relationship right now…) … yikes. I took the blame for the crush he developed on me.
And because the Universe likes to teach me lessons, I developed a crush on someone else. And was rejected. Good perspective shift though. I know what it feels like to meet someone you think is awesome. Get those cartoon hearts in your eyes. And then not have it reciprocated. In my case, realize that sometimes, a flirt is just a flirt. With nothing really meant by it other than perhaps, a kiss that meant nothing.
Putting the Fire of Infatuation Out
I’m not angry. I blame myself (shocking) for the infatuation. Am I prone to it? Sometimes in the past. I’m a romantic at the core of me. Even though, my sarcasm and independent feminist streak? Yeah. I don’t NEED a man. I really don’t. I WANT a companion who is awesome. And smart and witty, and chivalrous and old-school classy. With a side of tech nerd because of an homage to my first husband? I like code warriors and geeks. That’s my tribe. Digital denizens.
But there are other personality types I like. The outgoing male. The confident but not player male. The guy that has had positive female relationships and misses the good stuff that comes with them. Not desperate males (because I am not desperate and can easily date when I want to). Not needy, smothering… oh God, here it goes again.
Sigh. I don’t want something super serious! I have gone for coffees or a drink with men who seem to want to go from 0 to 60. And some that were not my type. And now someone that I thought might be my type and lit me up. But I wasn’t his type. Ouch? Mmm maybe. But with a more level head and some rest and relaxation this weekend, not really.
I am pragmatic. It’s a mismatch. So… go fish. And count on the fact that those attributes also exist in other single men out there. Texas is a big place. And the Austin area is full of singles. There will be another Leonard (Big Bang Theory Reference). And maybe this time, you’ll be his Jamba Juice.
Not His Romantic Type (Hopefully Candidate for Friends)
Some men are free-range and want to remain thus. I’m kind of vibing that way right now. I like the idea of a steady boyfriend until I feel smothered. And if I am not your type? Well, how arrogant of me to assume that just because I like someone, they will like me too? All that matters is that I didn’t “do it for him”. And that is where that story stops. With respect for him. And for myself. Chubby but cute isn’t everyone’s flavor.
Dating is a numbers game. Is the guy great? Yep. Is he my type? YEP. That was a big surprise to me. I still can’t get my head around it because, honestly, I’ve been dating. But chemistry is irrelevant if it is not reciprocal. What he proved is that my circuit board COULD BE LIT UP 100%. That I could meet someone like that. Where I didn’t have to dumb down. Where my intelligence was a bonus, not a detriment.
Even if he thought I talked too much. Which I do. For most people (male and female). That will probably tame down once I am balancing a more active platonic social life. And I am working on it. Hard.
And that man who was intelligent and responsible, and sage and slightly sarcastic? Yum. So, while that opportunity didn’t pan out for me, it served a great purpose. Getting to know a little bit about him, and conversations reminded me exactly what I am looking for. It was nice to feel that swoon again.
And any date that falls short of that BING! BING! BING!… at least my barometer has been reset. And that’s a good thing. One important gift he gave me? Focus on building your social life. So I am doing that. I’ve never really been the type to pursue guys. I kind of bump into them and things happen. And I like to be pursued.
Not as a game. I respect a man that sees what he wants, and proceeds. In fact, given the nature of my unexpected crush, I think that’s a safer plan for me. And most of the time I am utterly surprised when a man is attracted to me anyhow. I don’t have the kind of body that men crave. How do you think I end up with so many male friends LOL?
The fact that I was pursuing someone so clearly disinterested in me? It bothers me. I blame the loneliness of the holidays perhaps. Or perhaps, because I hadn’t met a man that smart in a long, long time. Or someone that classy. Both attributes apparently, light me up. Noted. Whoever gets to be his someone special, will be a lucky lady. He’s awesome.
The Conversation About Dating in the Dog Park
She is a delightful girl. And today I went out of my way to talk to a few women that I know align, as far as smarts on Facebook. They are in singles groups and writers groups. I did the awkward thing of talking to them privately by message.
Hey, I did that with Diane too, and look how epic that relationship is. Going on eighteen (18) years of best-friendship. I love that woman. I asked her out on a date. 🙂 Did the dorky “Hey, this is crazy, but can we go out sometime maybe?” And so, remembering that, I did the same thing today with four women I have been keeping my eye on.
I’m delighted that they were receptive. Like me, looking for solid female friendships. The elusive wing women to do stuff with. So that you can have fun, even if meeting a man isn’t your priority. Because again, I like to be pursued. I don’t like to pursue. My Grandpa taught me that. If a woman has to pursue a man, it’s the wrong guy. My Aunt taught me that too.
Men being the apex hunters are in tune with what they like. If a guy likes you, he’ll let you know. If he finds you interesting as a potential friend, signals can get messed up. When you feel the chemistry and he doesn’t. But I think if you focus on friendship as the end goal, in every interaction (male or female) it’s a win/win.
It felt shitty to have hearts in my eyes for a dude that likes tall, skinny gamer babes. If a guy wants my attention, my old adage and operating system is reinstalled. You are the man. Like it? Try. Make the effort. Get to know me. I’m not pursuing anyone. That’s your job, mighty alpha male hunter. Nor am I ringing the dinner bell.
But should I be dating right now? Yes. And I will explain the difference.
Dating and Meeting People Versus the Hunt for a Spouse
I’m going to be real with you; I don’t think I’m getting married ever again. For a variety of reasons. One, I’ve been in two failed marriages. Clearly, marriage is not a good social construct for me. The reasons were legit both times and I ended the marriages for very good reasons. After fighting to keep them. I’m not a quitter. But I do get there eventually when I am unhappy.
At the age of 48 I have determined that I don’t need to be married. I manage my shite. Financially, career wise, my dogs, my house, cooking, cleaning, et al. What I suck at is having fun. And I am prioritizing that too. Like a MF. Because my Aunt reminded me that life is short. And I have always been the worker bee.
It’s time for this girl to have fun.
What dating is, for me, is meeting people. Enjoying the company of a man. Testing the waters, without having a hard core objective in mind. I can’t have kids. Don’t worry, I am not looking for a baby daddy. I have two stepsons, so marrying a person with children isn’t a deal-breaker; but also not an imperative. I like the kids I have. Love them actually.
So, the conversation went like this:
[Girl] Are you dating?
[Me] Most people think I shouldn’t be dating.
[Girl] How is your divorce going?
[Me] It is uncontested. I expect paperwork to be signed in January. We will I hope, be lifelong friends.
[Girl] So it’s not going to be one of those long custody battle War of the Roses kind of scenarios?
[Me] Nope.
[Girl] Are you looking to get into something serious right away?
[Me] Nope
[Girl] What are you looking for?
Good question. I paused and reflected.
[Me] I’m looking for a cool, intelligent, responsible, fun, social, outgoing boyfriend. Who is just happy with that kind of relationship. Movies. Travel. Someone to cook for. Someone to snuggle and … well, yanno. *blush* I want to laugh. I want to be around social people. I want to have engaging and mind-blowing conversations. Someone happy, who is responsible and will like an independent, smart, passionate (ahem) loyal, and non-smothering relationship. All the good stuff without the expectation that it needs to be anything more than that.
[Girl] You aren’t desperate. You should be dating. If that is what you are looking for, and that’s what will make you happy, why not seek it out?
[Me] I think he will have to seek me out. I recently stuck my neck out. Tried to articulate my interest and it was null. Bruised my ego more than a little. I am usually the one that rejects, but not the rejected. I guess it was a matter of time. Now I just feel a little stupid in general over the whole thing. Embarrassed.
[Girl] Assertive. Nothing to be embarrassed about. Some guys like that. Other guys are intimidated by it. And if the guy is not attracted to you, it just isn’t going to go anywhere at all. That’s chemistry for ya.
I agree with that. 100%
So I’ll be attending social events. Cheap dates. Single groups and stuff. With the purpose of meeting new friends. Balancing and building my social life (because that really matters to me). Dodging the players, the sex offenders, the felons, the basic bad guys, etc. Being kind (as I am) when someone expresses interest and I am not interested. Because someone recently was kind to me that way. And I appreciated that. He could have been a jerk. He wasn’t. There are still good (single) men out there.
Ethical dating. “Hi, my name is Skylar. I want to be around nice people. And if Cupid’s arrow finds me, it will likely take me by surprise. But I will deal with it, if or when it happens.”
In the meantime, I am going to have some fun. Because I deserve that.
And definitely resist the urge to marry anyone. Honest. That’s not a problem for me in my current mindset. Friends good. Stifling, smothering, controlling jerks? Beware. My single girl fu is mighty. And so is the barbed wire around the perimeter of my sacred space within. No tests. No games. Just honest new friendships. And maybe the odd drink or coffee date. Because those, to be honest, are lovely opportunities to have a conversation. And learn something interesting about the other person.
And often, about myself in this brave new world of creating roots here in Texas. And a social life that is fulfilling. I need that.
