When You Stop Settling and Find Yourself Again

RootsI feel like I haven’t been myself since I moved to Texas.

The political polarization is only part of the reason why I feel alien, trapped in a place I’m not sure is the best for me.  Gosh I’ve tried to be everything.  I’ve headed into trying new friendships, being the volunteer, the person that is ‘there for everyone’.  Helpful. Forgiving.  Doing the things you are supposed to do, when you are trying to start a new life.  And therein lies the problem.  I didn’t need to change.  I didn’t need to believe that I needed to change.

There are learning curves and hurdles that all couples face.  Something happened one year ago that really showed me a side of my husband that I couldn’t respect.  That I couldn’t trust or even like.  And I will be honest with you, since then, it’s been very hard to dote on him, solve his problems, and be ‘the leader’ that he is so reluctant to be in our life.  One thing I know about myself, is that I am a leader.  But if you put me in a relationship or friendship with someone who is equal to, or greater than that impetus to lead, fix, solve, plan and be strategic, I fall in line.  And I am relieved.  I’ve always been the boss.  What has always been most attractive to me, is a man that doesn’t need to (or allow me) to be 100% of the boss, 100% of the time.

I’ve met a couple of men like that, who were able to ‘manage’ my true personality, without losing themselves, or suppressing their needs or strengths.  And the attraction was incredible because I felt that it wasn’t “all on me”.  That I didn’t have to lead always.  That our success would be a ‘team thing’ rather than something clawed, kicked and dragged out by my effort, my strategy, and my will power.   A relationship of equals.

Easy going people who are happy with ‘what they have’ represent the type of people I like to be friends with.  God I love them, because they are opposite to my nature, and that contradiction works so well for a friendship.  In a romantic relationship with me however, that same easy going mantra, isn’t okay.  I want someone to drive as hard as I do.  Want as much as I do.  Someone who is hungry to learn, who looks at life like its a game you can win, if you are willing to throw yourself into it.   Drive it.  Not just sit in the passenger seat and enjoy the view.

Wanting better things is not ambition.  Working to make them happen, is ambition.  The first, is just being a dreamer.  Someone who spends twenty years wishing without making anything happen.  And yet everyone loves that easy going person don’t they?  The life of the party, the easy going person who has mastered the ability to ask questions and make you think they really care about your life.  They are easy company.  Not complex.  Isn’t that utterly relaxing compared to aggressive, driven, workaholic types that are prepared to bleed, sweat or work the 100 hour works to make shit happen?    I’m not ‘at the top’ so I can’t comment on what it is like to be lonely there… but what I can acknowledge that drive in life is either something you have (ridicule the Type A’s), or it’s something you pretend to be because you think it’s cool, without putting the blood, sweat and tears in to really make shit happen.

I’m a Type A.  I’m hard to get along with.  I am openly expressive and honest; blunt.  I am critical of others, and extremely critical of myself.  But I know I have earned what I work for, and that there is so much I still want to do and accomplish.  I’m turning 45 and it feels like I had to start my life over twice.

I am the best I can be.  I try to put everyone before myself. My desire to build the family I never had.  To belong to someone who wouldn’t leave, someone who would have my back.  Children.  Community.

Lori Ann Lentini is back.  And it feels good to have her return to the center of me.  The life I have here will either change to suit my needs TOO … or it will not have me as an un-actualized, unhappy and isolated participant.   This year is about me, and my happiness.  Not excuses.  Not being quiet about things that bother me.   One thing I know for sure, is that I don’t care how my life looks to others… I care how it feels to me.

Expect no filters.  That is who I have always been.  Honest.  And if this isn’t what I thought it would be, then I blame me.  My God damned eagerness to be happy, and ignore facts, just for a chance at the golden ring of happy ever after.  I think I deserve it.  But everyone always thinks they do, don’t they?