In Dialogue With ‘The Inner Critic’ (Again…)

audi-tt-rs-redYou aren’t good enough.  You don’t have enough, you aren’t doing enough and other people do it better.  If YOU were better, you’d have it all figured out, and it would be you driving around in the brand new Audi (the cool one with the GPS between the RPMs and the speedometer.  But you aren’t good enough, and you may never be good enough to have that car, that would undoubtedly tell others that you are in fact, good enough.

You aren’t attractive enough.  This isn’t the body, hair or skin that you want.  Other people have the body, hair, skin, nails, lips (with or without filler) that you need to be successful and happy in your life.  Your hair isn’t thick, tumbling down the way it used to in high school.  It doesn’t matter that your health is to blame for that, if you were a winner, your health would be perfect too.

This person needs to move to Texas so that she can be happy.  It’s not about what she really needs to be happy, because I know what I know, and I know best.   And come to think of it, everyone I really care about should move to Texas because we could be one of those “Modern Families” living in the same town, helping each other, loving each other and have grill outs and the important shit that would make me happy.  And if it doesn’t make them happy, it will in time I’m sure, because it’s what I want.

If you were smarter, you’d be more successful.  Life balance is for people who use it as an excuse for not succeeding in life.   Money or life balance?  Aren’t rich people happy?  They sure look happy don’t they?  Therefore, all rich people must be happy, except for the people who are drug addicted, gambling addicted, food addicted or have eating disorders.  Or those happy rich people that pump their cheeks and foreheads full of poison and fat to appear decades younger than they are, instead of embracing that every line on your face has a story, and is actually a victory.  Every gray hair too … that I cover up every 3-4 weeks.

If you were a better person, you’d have no history of conflict in your life.  No unresolved friendship experiences, no romantic heart breaks. In fact, if you were perfect at relationships, everyone would have been spared a lot of wasted time and agony, when you think of it.  But you aren’t.  You’ve tried on relationships, won many, failed at a few, and let go of relationships that made you feel used, abused or unhappy.  But if you were an excellent kind of person… you’d have no business, friendship or relationship failure stories, because the best kind of people get along with everyone right?  Always? I mean, who the hell has a crappy “persona non gratis” relationship with both her biological parents? That’s messed up.

Stop. Right. Now.

 

I love the fact that I am a lifelong learner, and someone who finds value and meaning in even the smallest things.  A positive thinker, someone who values quality relationships and someone who has no problem progressing through relationships that are not mutually rewarding, in business and in my personal life.

I love the fact that I am a freelance professional, prioritizing my need for a calm, quiet and creative work environment, devoid of the politics and posturing that many corporate environments have subjected me to.  I like getting calls from recruiters that tempt me to rejoin the corporate rat race, because they are blessings and motivating for me.  A reminder that there is always another path I can explore (and perhaps I will again someday) but for now, this lifestyle suits my needs best.  And it makes me proud to own and grow my own business.  It makes me proud to pay my bills as a writer and marketing professional.

I love the fact that I have a gym membership.  Although I need to work on scheduling to actually GET THERE more often, it exists… it sits there as a monthly bill and commitment that reminds me that my health does not come last.  It comes first.

I love the fact that I am supportive of the dreams of others, who mean so much to me.  That I am now able to see the difference between being there for someone, and dictating a path for their life that is about MY NEEDS and not theirs.  I see that pattern in me, and I know where it comes from.  Your dream matters to me, on your terms.  And my investment in it, is to help you actually get there, if I truly love you and respect your happiness and your life path.  On your terms.  You are the driver, I’m just holding flags on the side of the highway cheering you on.  I know you can do it.

My lack of relationship with my parents has everything to do with their abusive, manipulative, selfish and controlling behaviors.  I tried to be what they wanted, and found myself miserable.  When I became WHO I WANTED TO BE, they found themselves unable to accept the lack of control they had.   And when I decided that I had invested so much into one-sided relationships (to their advantage), I forbid myself to create or sustain that type of relationship ever again.   If one-sided is what you need, then you shouldn’t lament the fact that I am gone… I was never part of the equation anyhow, but I get why “not getting” from me is inconvenient.  Perhaps you should retrace your steps and evaluate your actions.

You can’t miss what you never really had.   And I don’t.

Hey writer girl… you’re averaging almost 100,000 words per week now.  Remember when that first 400 word blog post took you six hours and you cried?  So 2010 right?  Check you out superstar… that’s epic.

And girl, you are so getting that red Audi one day… bank on it.  And you still won’t be cool, but you’ll be making vroom vroom sounds and tingling on the way to Kroger.

So there critic.  Sit your butt down and zip it. You don’t know shit about me, after all these years.