Borderlands and 3 a.m.

LoveHe’s not a gamer.  I am a former gamer, part-time gamer… (okay I gave gaming and a lot of time in virtual playgrounds up when I started my business).  Becoming a freelancer and growing my business full time became my passion.  I figured… if I was going to be online, I should be paid for it right? Made sense to me.   Particularly since traveling to Texas, Immigration and paying cash for a wedding is anything but cheap.

But I did it!  Yay me :)

As I am working double time to restore my income (remember my day job wasn’t a good fit) I am in that zone where you “might” see Lori from time to time.  The zone where my ankles and wrists are swelling as I crank out quality journalistic content for buyers around the world.  Don’t get me wrong, I am so much happier working full time from home (even in light of the short-term pay reduction).  I like working this way.  It works for me and the kind of life I want to have.

I bought Borderlands awhile ago for Xbox and we started playing it.  Kevin is not likely to get “hooked” to a game but he enjoys playing with me.  Our little avatars working their way through complicated maps, killing goo-spitting giant dogs and bad guys, collecting this and that’s.  It is relaxing for me because it engages all my senses (including the brain) which allows me to shut down for awhile. I  am always, always, always… writing in my head.  Unless I am writing at a keyboard, in which case my fingers are flying trying to keep up.

I clocked myself at 122 words per minute.  Sometimes the little digits look like a blur below me.

I get scared sometimes still after being in the United States for a year.  It is (I am happy to report) starting to feel more like home to me and I am starting to love Sherman Texas.  Cool things and a new surge of “young people things” (am I still young?) are promising signs that the little town/city is going to keep growing.  I’m excited about being a member of the Sherman Chamber of Commerce and meeting new people, when schedule settles and I am able to start marketing myself locally again.  Although typically, the best rates for my work are overseas in India and the United Kingdom.  I still find it odd that there are a shortage of English writers in the UK… don’t you?

I was exhausted from writing a new record of almost 13,000 words in one day.  And editing them, administering them and invoicing them off to my partner/buyer in India.  That is word-smith power for you.  It was tantamount to producing 26,000 words in a day.  Scary…

And I felt bitter that I hadn’t had time with Kevin. I love him, I find his company delightful and romantic and snuggly and… all sorts of things.  So typing in my home office while he is sitting in the next room is torture to me.  I should be with him.  I want to be with him.  There aren’t enough hours in the day right now… but I expect that it will balance once more.

I wanted to play Borderlands with him.  So my husband stayed up after I had completed the project and played Xbox with me.  Until 3:00 a.m. A few drinks, some munchies from Taco Bell… date night ended closer to 4:30 a.m. that morning.

Because he loves me.

He could have gone to bed, but he stayed up for me.  I am able to function on no sleep whereas Kevin is one of those guys that relishes his sleep… that was a big deal, particularly as Sunday was Father’s Day and he had permission to pick up the twin turbo’s.

Because he loves me and he knows… I would have been sad to have slid into bed without spending some time with him that night.

When you have been let down so many times by people.  When you have stood there and heard them lie, watched the games that people play with each other in malice; the gossip, the dishonesty the seeking to create or participate in discord.  Human’s aren’t my favorite species on the planet but I manage to tolerate them.  I consider the good humans I know to be exceptional.  Like unicorns really.

When you aren’t used to someone truly having your back, it’s hard to accept.  Unconditional love?  Weight gain, weight loss, stress, nervousness, financially phat times and lean times, healthy, unhealthy… happy or sad and the person ALWAYS has your back?  How shameful for me being the intelligent woman that I am to be finally learning what love really is… at the age of 42.

It is beautiful.  And what is surprising me the most is how forgiveness now comes into my heart and how much easier it is to let go of things (and people for that matter) who didn’t make me happy or abused my kindness.  But not in a spiteful way at all.  It feels more like… acceptance of the past because my present is this great, loving thing.   I look at him and want to eat him up!  Still! I watch him with people, the kids and our pets and I melt.  Of course I keep this on the inside because, you know… I have a stone-cold bitch reputation to protect.

In the end holding on to slights is stupid.  It is absolutely hard to let them go, and there are people who have not only burned the bridge with me, they have blown up the banks on both sides, yanno?  No invitation back in.  Ever.  But at the same time, dumping the memory of my experience with those people (including some family members) makes room for something else.

Joy.  Or being receptive to it.

I’ve been sending out some “understanding emails” to people from my past and letting them know that I “forgive” them and I am able to understand now, as an older, wiser and now settled woman that people do bad things when they are hurting.  I do bad things when I am hurting.  The real friends and family are the ones that move through that, and you get to travel through life together blessing each other with gifts of friendship, laughter and support.

My m.o. has always been “BAD SHIT HAPPENED TO ME!!!” and lately it has turned to “GOOD SHIT IS HAPPENING TO ME?” Yes, there is a question mark because I am a pessimistic idealist.  Nonetheless… if you told 2007 me that this is what my life was going to be like, she would have stayed single lol!  And waited for him to find me.  Because he did.

And I love him.   Every single inch of him; foibles and flaws and perfections.  He did throw my clothes into the closet last night which pissed me off, but we have 30+ years left to work on it.

The girl that got herself, but didn’t get gotten by anyone else is now totally got by a man that is convinced… she is going to write a movie screenplay now that she is working back home in her Zen.

I just have to pick which one to write first.