Meet the Aerosteon. This nine meter long carnivore roamed the earth about 84 million years ago. It was not a spineless creature, but rather one that had very weak spinal bones that were filled with air. While this dinosaur looked ominous, and surely acted ominous (had big visible teeth) compared to other carnivore’s it was pretty easy to kill. All a predator had to do was step on, or bite hard enough, and they could snap it’s back. Game over.
I am not a jealous woman. I have always thought that if a woman could steal a man from you, she deserved to have him, and that you deserved to have someone better. Pretty simple in my head. If you love me, there is no other woman for you. If you want someone else, clearly you are not (or were not) in love with me, and as much as that might hurt my feelings, essentially I was losing nothing. This served me very well in my post-divorce dating years. I was able to walk away from things (I got better at it) that were a waste of time. And people too, for that matter. After all, if you are going to try to hurt me… door is ———> that way.
The young girl was a friend of a friend, in her low thirties in age. I was the designated driver last night, so as I sipped eagerly on my glass of soda, she put her hand on my left shoulder, pushed (not kidding… that’s a serious Lori no-no) me to the right and squeezed between myself and our friend Piper, who I was talking to.
Annoying Girl: “Oh, excuse me.. just you move over okay…. HAYYYYYYYYYYY PIPER”.
And while I was imagining accidentally spilling my drink on her, she turned her back to me. My internal Bitch-ometer spiked to about a 7/10. Probability of me saying something starts at about an 8/10.
In a few minutes Annoying Girl was gone. My soda glass was still half full and I was playing with the ice cubes, processing why I find certain types of people so fucking annoying. I would NEVER push someone, shoulder my way into a conversation and turn my back like that to someone. I am aware that I have refined manners and I am aware that most people in this world do not. I was also aware that sometimes, some people don’t realize they are even being rude.
I took a deep breath and put a fried pickle in my mouth and was relieved to see her go.
The second time she came around, the Bitch-ometer was still clocked at a stationary 5/10 where this girl was concerned.
Annoying Girl: “:Hi ya’ll… oh where did Piper go?”
Piper’s Partner Tanya: “She left”. [Insert exchanged glance between Tanya and I].
Annoying Girl: “Well, I’ll just squeeze in here… ”
Now this time when she put a hand on my shoulder I shot her a look. It probably translated to “If you want to keep your hand I suggest you move it. Like .. now.” She wisely retracted her hand, placed another hand on my leg and pushed to move me to the right.
Bitch-ometer… sprang to a 7.5. Then she turned to my husband, and hit me in the face with her floppy, pony tail.
Annoying Girl: “Hey … uh, I forgot your name, yeah you… uh.. can I have a cigarette? I don’t have any…” My husband handed her his lit cigarette as my eyes narrowed to tiny, little slits (I know because I could feel my eyelashes touching).
Kevin: “That’s all I’ve got. I don’t smoke”.
Annoying Girl: “Well I don’t want a USED cigarette, give me a new one. Come on you have one… don’t be cheap like that…”
That “ding!” sound was the Bitch-ometer hitting a 10. And then she mauled Tanya (the way that drunk girls do) and it went to an 11.5 as I watched Tanya awkwardly trying to fend Annoying Girls octopus arms off. Straight girls always want to maul not-straight girls… they aren’t stuffed toys damn it, and it is not funny nor is it okay. Tanya’s look at me was something like “Omg… get me out of this, she’s bat shit crazy…”
Sensing some kind of emotional S.O.S. signal sent out over her shoulder, Annoying Girl flipped her head around (hitting Tanya this time in the face with her pony tail – that shit is stupidly deliberate hair flouncing-ness).
Annoying Girl: “Ohhh what are you saying about meeee behind myyyy back now? You talking about me behind my back?”
Me: “No I’ll tell you to your face. I was thinking who the FUCK is this bitch who thinks she can plop her drunk ass in between me and my friend, touch my husband and turn her back to me. Twice.”
She wasn’t prepared for an East Coaster I figured. If I had had “southern country” manners, I could have probably giggled and said nothing. But I am from Toronto… bitch.
Annoying Girl left after slurring some apologies faster than a seagull scoots with a french fry. Tanya laughed gently (she’s never seen me in that mode). Kevin smiled broadly.
Me: “You were counting down in your head weren’t you Kevin?”
Kevin: “Yep. Was waiting baby girl… I was just waiting.”
The largest remains of a T-Rex were female. They nicknamed her “Sue”.