A Real Weekend

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Need to work on health, exercise, relationships, home environment…. shit… play … spirituality. Uhm… the only two shaded were “Work” and “Life Purpose” (which was work). And then that self-esteem thing…

 

I had a really fabulous weekend.

It started with the hustle and bustle of getting ready for Halloween. One of my twin son’s commented that Halloween was “only for kids” and not “for old people”.    The fact that he considers me to be an adult just proves he needs to work on paying attention more closely.

So not a grown up.  I only play one on T.V.

Our son Lucas went out as a spectacular Zombie, with a bloody machete.  Cringe not… my son loves scary movies (even though he isn’t able to watch anything more horrifying than Sharknado).  Our second son Logan went out as a Power Ranger.  Daddy went out as a Wizard and I, was a pretty gruesome zombie.  I spent some time on the makeup… to make it extra icky.

There is so much you can do with rotting flesh face tattoos!  The trick is to blend the make up to the edge of the tattoos and brush lightly over with green to integrate them into the …

What? I love zombies.  Serious schtuff!

We piled the kids into the truck and drove to McKinney, Texas to join my brother and sister-in-law (and their tribe of five wonderful munchkins) and to celebrate our oldest niece’s sweet 16 birthday.   It’s been some time since I’ve been in a room of teenage girls.  They are marginally more terrifying than adult women to me, with far fewer filters and I found myself slightly grateful that we had boys instead of girls.

I don’t particularly relate well to girly-girls.  Tom boy here.  Fish and mud… and winter camping and … stuff.

10624723_10152363161507587_4116735685898818392_n (1)As we walked the sidewalks on the quest for candy, we piped old hits like “Monster Mash” through my iPhone for effect.  The kids were high on sugar and ecstatic to be collecting more.   It’s amazing how hard core some parents are about free candy.  Some parents we saw had it down to a system with a pull along wagon, dumping candy into a larger bag on the wagon?  For real?    Candy isn’t healthy … I liked that both my husband and brother-in-law agreed a little bit was just fine.

My heart flooded with memories of going out for trick-or-treat with my own cousins as a kid in Toronto.  We’d always aim for the apartment buildings that would load us up with candy, protected by a generous door man eager to give it all out in mass quantities.

10629624_10152362971087587_1111625413931084825_nI had a moment where I realized that the memories we are creating for the kids with their cousins will last a lifetime.  And I realized it was time to start making plans ahead of time (if necessary) to ensure that they see more of their cousins.   These are the things that matter.   Family time.  Life balance… it’s amazing how when the kids are around I just want to be with them.  The workaholic attitude is slowly melting off as I realize they are more important to me than anything.

My little man tribe.   Even the dogs are men in our house… and that suits me just fine.   No one messes with my clothes or make up, and I never have to take out the garbage.   And I kind of like being the only girl in the house to be honest with you.

I’m 41 and changing again.  Always changing.  Refining my attitudes and my understanding of the world around me.  Trying to understand people and their motivations.  Every time I claim to be an introvert people in my life laugh, while I cringe.   You can be a very confident and arrogant introvert you know.  It’s called survival :)   But I find myself wanting the company of very few people.

And some weeks I think if I just had my in-laws, my sister and brother in law and their children, and my little family I could be the happiest, most peaceful person in the world.  There is no conflict when we’re together.   It’s like we’re building something nice now that the role of wife is filled in Kevin’s life.

Did I mention he is an amazing Daddy too?

When I feel some anxiety about the changes or the lack of security I feel here in Texas, I train my focus on Kevin and the boys.  Our life.  What am I doing to make it wonderful.  My inlaws.  My nieces and nephews.  What am I doing to be the best in the most important job titles I will ever possess?

Wife. Step-Mother.  Daughter-in-law.  Auntie.  Friend.

These job titles matter most to me.   I do right by them when I step away from the computer, and enjoy spending time with my family and making Texas a home.  I do right by my own self and my emotional needs, when I try to make it feel more like home right here, where my feet are planted.

Like anything else in life it will take time, focus and hard work.   This sense of isolation has been created because I made myself become comfortable with being alone.  It’s time for me to learn to be comfortable being around people, and finding people here that are pleasing to be around socially, and make fun, new memories.

Instead of waiting for that feeling of “home” to just drop on my lap with absolutely no effort.  I know I have to try but sometimes I feel like, shouldn’t I just fit in and feel like I do for just being myself?  I get tired of trying sometimes and just want to “be” surrounded by people who know and get me.

I like that feeling.  It’s kind of hard to replace.