What would happen in my life if I simply removed the brakes?
This past weekend I participated in a convention at the Omni Hotel and was surrounded by sales and marketing types. Ambitious, positive minded and determined business people who apparently stopped giving a shit about what other people said or thought years ago.
And they were magnificent human beings.
And I liked the energy they threw off. Positive, strong, invincible. Invincible? Yes, like they had no governor on their actions.
There are so many ‘brakes’ that hold me back. The rejection of my parents and the anger that I feel. Everything being new, you know? New marriage, new address, new car, new life with children, new family to figure out (or hide from until I figure them out). New culture, new country.
Sometimes I pat myself down symbolically. Am I the same “me” after all this change? Pretty much. I am tired a lot mentally. I need some more of that mythical down time. I need to explore. I need time to figure out all the buttons on the dashboard of my new car.
There are mucho buttons.
I worry if I am good enough. I worry if I am resourceful enough to get us on track financially, and get us into a house we own asap. I worry if I am talented enough to continue to grow my professional opportunities.
And I want to be liked. Even though part of me knows that someone who is as performance orientated as I am will probably never be liked by many. I have this way of making it known when I think someone isn’t trying hard. When someone is a flake. My compassion took a hit in the last four years, and now I find I have very little patience for stupid people.
Particularly the ones that are convinced they are brilliant. They bother me the most.
Ambition and the simple life do not go together. In fact in this economy, the simple life probably guarantees at some point that you’ll lose your job or run out of money. I feel like swimming upstream against rapids is the mode in this economy. I can swim it. I just feel like shit when I see others start to go under, and I can’t master the ability to swim and build a raft for them at the same time.
But I really want to. I like so few people. I want to help the ones I like. I guess I am just so tired, sick, and a little beaten up by transition that I am lacking that bullet proof side of me that would fix everyone’s world, and my world last.
I am fixing my world first these days. But that also, does not feel right to my heart.
I know I still have the brakes on. I am capable of much, much more. Forget the second wind, I am looking to summon my seventh wind… for the win not just for Kevin and I, but for other people I care about.
Perhaps its time to truly let go, and see what this engine can do.
I don’t think I am afraid of failure anymore… but I might be afraid of winning.