There is a tremendous amount of energy being wasted in my life on worry.
First, there is what others think of me. I learned not to become paralyzed by what others think of me. And if someone thought poorly of me, I didn’t let that stop me. I’d keep trucking because I am busy trying to get to the place where what I think of myself, is good.
For anyone who has ever accused me of being arrogant or attention seeking, you missed the mark completely. I teeter on the edge of feeling emotionally orphaned by my immediate family and in constant competition with myself. Trying to prove them (and their negative valuation of me) wrong.
I’m pretty sure I’m a good person. But since I don’t have that approval from my Parents, I’m trying to approve of myself. And I don’t even trust or value the fairness of their opinion at all! Figure that one out.
Yep. I gave my psychologist a headache for years. Sorry Doctor Deb.
I have an anxiety disorder called ADHD. Doctors call it a disorder, I have always known it was a superpower. I can do things other people can’t do, like come up with 600 social media posts in a day. Or write twenty blog posts, take conference calls… it’s helped me in my line of work. Very few people would ever know I had it at all. The close ones in my life pick it up. The signs of the anxiety when I am struggling to manage it in certain situations.
I worry about what I think of myself. I worry about what my parents and sister think of me. What my family thinks of me for leaving Canada. What my best friend thinks of me and the decisions I make.
I worry about what the lady at the Walmart thought of me this weekend because my hair was ‘interesting’ and I had on minimal make up. I worry about the lady that scares the hell out of me at the local burger place. I haven’t seen her again (and they serve the best jalapeno poppers!) but I won’t go back. She made me feel stupid and that (insert Godfather voice) I do not forgive.
I worry about what my husband thinks of me the days that I don’t quite manage to get done everything I want to. I worry about my ability to run a house, cook gourmet meals (without shattering Pyrex glass dishes) and run my own business from home. I worry about what my clients think about the service I provide.
I worry about my old, best friend Diego and I watch him like a hawk. “Hang in there with me buddy, please don’t leave me yet. I need you.” It’s usually followed by a lot of dog slobbery kisses, while he looks at me like “why the hell are you crying NOW?”
I worry about my step-sons and their life between two homes. I worry about proving how much we love them when we are only allowed so much time with them by law (and there is nothing we can do to change that). I worry about maintaining a respectful relationship with their mother.
I worry about the old man next door. Whether we can afford it or not, I pay to have him cut our lawn.
Now that I am in Texas I worry about getting shot. I’ve seen handguns and been paralyzed by seeing them in public. I’m worried about not having medical benefits (we’re working on that). I’m worried about his mom and my Aunt who have serious medical conditions.
I’m worried about my Diabetes.
I am also worried about GMOs and fracking, the melting polar caps and receding glaciers, the massive rape of the ocean and declining fish stocks, the dolphin slaughter in Taiji and the Catholic Church encouraging procreation on an already over populated planet.
I worry that I talk too much on Facebook because I am lonely, far from my friends and family. And I worry what people think of me for chatting up a storm every day. Do they get that I am lonely? Or does it come across as just arrogant “HEY LOOK AT ME!”
And some days I could not care less.
So on the days when my anxiety is running high without a filter or Governor, my loving husband (and he really is wonderful) asks me if there is “anything on my mind”.
And I bite my lip and choose three.